Fanficsins
by Zivon96
Summary: Inspired by Cinemasins and co-written with DeadAliveManiac. No story is without sin...
1. Harry Potter Turns to the Lord (Zivon)

For those of you who don't know who Cinemasins is, he's a movie reviewer who points out "Everything Wrong With" various movies, even good ones, saying that no movie is without sin. So if you're looking for a funny look at some movies, good or bad, check this guy out on YouTube.

So without further delay, I give you:

_**EVERYTHING**_

_**WRONG**_

_**WITH:**_

-Harry Potter turns to the Lord-

_(This story exists. _**_Sin Count: 1_**_)_

Another sleepless night for the world's most popular child wizard. _(Story opens with a line that's supposed to interest us, but is actually turning me off it almost as much as the title. _**_Sin Count: 2_**_)_

It's as if he were being haunted, he thought to himself. Haunted by innumerable faceless entities that thrive on his suffering that plague him and force him away from any slumber whatsoever. _(He has nightmares every freaking year, nothing that can't be solved with a magical adventure. _**_Sin Count: 3_**_) (Also, sentence changes partway through from past tense to present _**_Sin Count: 4_**_)_

It was driving the young English sorceror _(Story that wants to talk about the evils of magic can't even spell __sorcerer__ right. _**_Sin Count: 5_**_) _to his wits end, and he could not concentrate during class, a behaviour swiftly noticed by one of his primary instructors, Dumbledore. _(Dumbledore is not an instructor. He's not even a teacher. He's the headmaster. _**_Sin Count: 6_**_)_

"Mister Potter," his teacher quipped, _(This is not 'quipping.' _**_Sin Count: 7_**_)_ inquisitively. "It has come to my attention that you are having difficulty concentrating in class." _(You JUST noticed this now? _**_Sin Count: 8_**_)_

"Rubbish," yawned Harry, teetering precariously where he stood. _(You said he was tired, not drunk. _**_Sin Count: 9_**_)_

"Sleep deprivation, perchance?" the instructor persisted. _(You don't say. _**_Sin Count: 10_**_) (Also, still not a teacher. _**_Sin Count: 11_**_)_

Harry wearily acquiesced. "Yes, sir," he sighed, "Bad dreams." _(You wanna tell us more about those dreams Harry? No? Didn't think so. _**_Sin Count: 12_**_)_

"Odd," remarked Dumbledore. "Such an occurance seldom happens here at Hogwarts." _(This. Happens. EVERY. _**_F*KING. _****_YEAR! _****_Sin Count: 13_**_)_

"I recommend you take some time off from your studies, else this tiredness takes its toll on you academically. Is that understood, Mister Potter?" _(He's got a point there, maybe you should take some time to rest. It's not like nightmares are omnipresent.)_

Not that time off would do him any good. The nightmares were omnipresent, and would not relent, even in the daytime. _(Well sh*t. _**_Sin Count: 14_**_) (Also, instead of randomly flying around you should go to the hospital wing. _**_Sin Count: 15_**_) (And where are all those friends who've supported you in all the books, movies and even other fanfics? I'm sure Hermione would have some idea about what to do here. _**_Sin Count: 16_**_)_

To clear his mind, Harry decided to take a broomstick flight outside of the Academy Grounds. _(Because he's totally allowed to do that. _**_Sin Count: 17_**_)_

He rocketed over the eastern border and across the murky oceans, _(How long has he been flying? _**_Sin Count: 18_**_) (Also, oceans are not murky. _**_Sin Count: 19_**_)_ but, to utmost horror, his weariness affected his performance of flight, and the broomstick began to shudder violently as his control of it was hindered. _(Maybe he WAS drunk. _**_Sin Count: 20_**_)_

He began to plummet.

Incidentally, he was too tired to demonstrate fear and let the dull roar of the wind loll him into blissful submission, something he had gone without for almost seventy-two hours. _(Because everyone knows wizards don't get adrenaline rushes. _**_Sin Count: 21_**_)_

Within no time at all, he was consumed by the icy chill of the waters, and all went dark. _(Please tell me the story's over.)_

"Hello?" he heard a distant voice call to him. "Young man? Are you alright?" _(Damnit... _**_Sin Count: 22_**_)_

Harry reluctantly resumed consciousness, _(No, please, stay out cold. _**_Sin Count: 23_**_) _and found himself staring up at the concerned face of a man, presumably in his mid-thirties. _(Don't worry, there's a chance he didn't rape you, so please don't scream. _**_Sin Count: 24_**_)_

As Harry was perceptive, _(Even through his lack of sleep. _**_Sin Count: 25_**_) _he deduced that the man was a muggle, simply from his clothes. _(I'm not sure if that's racist, but I'll just say it is. _**_Sin Count: 26_**_)_

"Wh-where am I?" he murmured.

"Oh, thank the Lord you're okay!" chuckled _(Why are you laughing, asshole!? _**_Sin Count: 27_**_) _the man, retreating slightly to give the young wizard his space. _(Just how close were you to this kid? _**_Sin Count: 28_**_)_ "I was worried you may have frozen out there, on the beach."

"Who are you?" whispered Harry, becoming more and more awake. _(Also, where the hell am I? _**_Sin Count: 29_**_)_

"My name is David," _(I think I'll just call you Marty Stu. _**_Sin Count: 30_**_)_the man replied. "I, uh – - I didn't want to believe it at first, but I couldn't help but notice you fell out of the sky. Might I ask how you got up there in the first place?"

"I was riding my broomstick," said Harry, matter-of-factly. _(Sure, just tell that to a random muggle who might have raped and or robbed you while you were out. _**_Sin Count: 31_**_)_

"Broomstick, eh?" David muttered to himself. "Interesting." _(Oh, I'm not shocked by this or anything. _**_Sin Count: 32_**_)_

Harry sat upright and noticed he was wearing a casual attire of denim jeans and a cardigan.

"Where's my robe?" he cried. _(Holy sh*t, he really did rape him! _**_Sin Count: 33_**_)_

"Drying by the fire," David replied. "I found some peculiar trinkets inside, _(And he really did mug him! _**_Sin Count: 34_**_) _you know. Really quite fascinating – - albeit evil." _(How do you know that? Do you judge anything you don't know as evil? I guess since you're a religious fundamentalist, you probably do. _**_Sin Count: 35_**_)_

"Evil?" scoffed Harry. "They're essential. A wizard is nothing without his tools, you see." _(Aside from your wand and maybe a little wizard money what other tools do you have? _**_Sin Count: 36_**_)_

"A wizard, you say?" mused David. "I had the feeling that may have been the case. You're from that mysterious academy, aren't you?" _(Because all muggles know about Hogwarts. _**_Sin Count: 37_**_)_

"How do you know about Hogwarts?" whispered Harry, tilting his head quizzically.

"Oh, I've met a young girl who used to be a student there." _(I robbed and raped her too. _**_Sin Count: 38_**_)_

"What was her name?"

"Erm, Kate if I remember correctly. _(Don't worry about remembering her, she'll never be brought up again. _**_Sin Count: 39_**_)_She was a highly decorated student there, top of her class she told me. Until one day she achieved a new level of magic, and that's when things started to go awry." _(Care to tell us what kind of magic? No? Yeah, that's what I thought. _**_Sin Count: 40_**_)_

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

"She started having dreams of a frightful nature," _(You could just say nightmares. _**_Sin Count: 41_**_)__(Also, do you feel like telling us what those nightmares were about yet? No? Ugh. _**_Sin Count: 42_**_)_David remarked.

"Dreams?" wondered Harry aloud, relating the tale to his own situation. _(He did so without even knowing what 'Kate's' nightmares were about. For all we know, it could have just been brought on by something she ate. _**_Sin Count: 43_**_)_

"That's right," David continued, "Dreams of demons and creatures of the satanic variety. All of her teachers told her to pay no attention to them,_(Those same teachers that make it a point to help their students whenever they need it? _**_Sin Count: 44_**_)_but she had to find out why she was being haunted. So, she snuck away from the academy one night and wound up here, at my cottage. _(Where I took her in, took all her clothes off and went through her pockets. _**_Sin Count: 45) _**I showed her The Bible, you see…"

"The Bible?" inquired Harry, dubiously.

"That's right," he replied,

"The Christian Bible. And, according to the Scriptures – - ooh, what was that verse? Ah, yes! Deuteronomy 18:10-12. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire _(Never done that)_, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium _(Or that) _or spiritist _(Nope) _or who consults the _(Consults who now?) _who does these things is detestable in the eyes of the Lord. "So, don't you see, young man?" David finished. _(Wow, that's four sins in one paragraph. _**_Sin Count: 49_**_) (Also, you're a fundamentalist, you sure you don't want to rail against the gays in there too? _**_Sin Count: 50_**_)_

"What you are practicing is, day by day, devoting your life to the evil one." _(But he uses all these skills for the good of mankind. Surely the good lord can see that. _**_Sin Count: 51_**_)_

"Impossible!" thundered Harry. "Are you suggesting that I have been deceived, and that it is actually the wizards and witches who are in the wrong?"

"You're sharp," remarked David, admirably. _(Yes, how dare Dumbledore use magic to fight against a thinly veiled Satan metaphor! _**_Sin Count: 52_**_)_

"I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle!" _(Harry Potter suddenly becomes Draco Malfoy. _**_Sin Count: 53_**_)_

"So, you're having nightmares, too?" _(He just told you that. _**_Sin Count: 54_**_)_

Harry was silenced. _(Why? What does that have to do with anything? _**_Sin Count: 55_**_)_

David strolled over to him, and lay the Bible beside him. "I've made you some hot chocolate," he smiled. _(It's laced with roofies. _**_Sin Count: 56_**_)_

"Get your rest. We'll talk more about this later." _(Yes, go to sleep so I can touch you some more. _**_Sin Count: 57_**_)_

Harry remained at David's seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude his sleep when he stayed there, _(No, the unnamed nightmares from before were replaced by new nightmares. I won't go into details, but they were filled with someone familiar screaming 'the power of Christ compels you! _**_Sin Count: 58_**_) (Also, we still don't know what the God Damned nightmares are! _**_Sin Count: 59_**_)_for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils. _(Because even the magic you used to save the world from evil is, in itself, evil. _**_Sin Count: 60_**_)_

Finally, he conceded, the Bible made too much sense to ignore. _(This sentence alone is worth at least five sins. _**_Sin Count: 65_**_)_

"David?" he asked one afternoon.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David, sipping his coffee and reading a newspaper.

"How do I become a Christian?" _(Well to become one like me you need to carve a crucifix into your desk and slam your head into it until you see the face of God. _**_Sin Count: 66_**_)_

"I was praying that you'd ask me that before you left," _(I wouldn't let you leave otherwise. _**_Sin Count: 67_**_)_smiled David, proudly. "Come, let me show you."

David advised Harry to pray a simple prayer, and that night, the confused and reluctant wizard knelt beside his bed and repeated the words softly. _(Is it just me, or does this sound like he's raping him with religion? _**_Sin Count: 68_**_) (Also, everything we see in the Harry Potter books suggests Harry is a Christian already. Why is this necessary? _**_Sin Count: 69_**_)_

"Lord," he began, "I come to you tonight to request your forgiveness, for I have so blindly devoted my life to the evils of the spirit world. I have given my very essence to the enemy of man, and taken joy in it as well. I am a sinner, Lord, and without your forgiveness, I am doomed to die and face the eternal trials of the netherworld, all because of my practicing of foul and wicked arts. Please, Lord. Please forgive me of my sins and welcome me into your loving kingdom. In your name I pray…Amen." _(You obviously didn't notice those times when I used magic to save your world. This paragraph has to be worth another ten sins. _**_Sin Count: 79_**_)_

Harry opened his eyes and noticed that tears were streaming from them. _(If you look to the audience you'll see they're crying as well. Those are not tears of joy. _**_Sin Count: 80_**_)_

For the first time in his life, he felt loved, and accepted, and…pure. _(Just ignore all those friends you had at Hogwarts, they never liked you anyway. _**_Sin Count: 81_**_)_

He had been relieved of the wickedness that plagued him since the day he was born and he wept, both out of joy, and sorrow for all of his friends that remained blind to the real truth, indulging in the ultimate evil back at Hogwarts, convinced that their dark arts made them superior beings. _(Story compares Hogwarts Students to Nazis, or maybe fundamentalist Christians. You know, someone with a massive superiority complex. _**_Sin Count: 82_**_)_

He wept all night long because of this. _(Harry is a crybaby. _**_Sin Count: 83_**_)_

"David?" he asked the following morning, as he stood at the front door holding a backpack.

"Yes, Harry?" replied David.

"Will I ever be fully rid of the evils of my past?" _(Story once again ignores all the good Harry and friends have done with magic. _**_Sin Count: 84_**_)_

"The demons that you once embezzled _(Last I checked, Harry never stole or misappropriated demons of any nature _**_Sin Count: 85_**_) _will still try and recapture you, Harry," David admitted.

"But if God is for you, then who can be against you? Go, and spread the word. You have always been in a position of power, Harry Potter. Now it's time you used it for good." _(Because he never did that before. _**_Sin Count: 86_**_)_

Musing over the profound _(Bullsh*t _**_Sin Count: 87_**_) _and genuine _(No _**_Sin Count: 88_**_)_ words of his life-altering friend, Harry turned and began to trek away, not knowing where he would go or what he would do.

But with the Lord Jesus Christ by his side, he knew that things were going to be okay. _(I can see it now. "Hello students of Hogwarts, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?" Then the mass "Expelliarmus!" That follows. This needs another five sins. _**_Sin Count: 93_**_)_

Review:

Saint Abraham

Profound...

A true masterpiece, worthy of Christ's blessing.

_(Author leaves a praising review of his own terrible story. That's worth at least ten sins. __**Sin Count: 103**__)_

_**STORY SIN TALLY: 103**_

_**SENTANCE...**_

_**Expulsion From Hogwarts**_

_**(Hell)**_

Well, what do you think?

If you liked it, let me know and tell me what other stories I should review, good or bad.


	2. Left 4 Dead: Crimson Tide (DAM)

Well folks, DAM here, and I'm returning to the realm of Left 4 Dead with Zivon's help, and I've decided to tackle the most infamous badfic of that realm (no, not my awful Left 4 Dead trilogy), Left 4 Dead: Crimson Tide. This story was written by Bladex1200 after one of his other L4D stories was less than successful and he attempted to reboot it. **(Trying desperately to gain readership before something flourishes? Sin Count: 1)** You may be asking yourself, DAM, what gives you the gall to talk down to others who have tried so hard to make good stories? Well, I have to responses, I wrote a similarly terrible series in this very realm, so I suck three times as much as one bad story in that realm! This, of course, is nothing like any bad story in the L4D verse. Secondly, I like being a dick. Now, without further ado, I will go paragraph by paragraph, sort out the sins, and finally tear a new orifice in:

**EVERYTHING**

**WRONG**

**WITH:**

-Left 4 Dead: Crimson Tide-

Author's note: My last fanfic didn't get any reviews, so I'm shelving that and lowering the rating (I think M was too high). Now I'll be restarting will a new fanfic which should include more description and better characterization. Again, this takes place in the Left 4 Dead Universe but will not feature Left 4 Dead characters as main characters (they may or may not appear, though). My previous character, Marcus Voyavich, will be carried over from the previous fanfic. You could see this as an alternate version. **(Really pal, giving up so soon? There are Cubs fans still waiting half a century or more for another championship. Minimal errors in grammar, so far I can't put on my Nazi suit. Sin Count: 2)**

Disclaimer: The Left 4 Dead Universe is owned by Valve Software. I only own this fanfic. (**No shit. The first sentence is not necessary. Sin Count: 3**)

One is the loneliest number... Such a true statement. Even more true in a zombie apocalypse. In what song had he first heard that phrase? He didn't remember and, frankly, it didn't matter. Marcus shook his head. He entered a safe room and quietly locked-and-barred the door. Sitting down, he looked around the grimy, damp safe room. Nothing much was expected - this was the worst part of Los Angeles, after all - but the room was ugly and disgusting even by his standards. A few rats could be seen peering out of the darkness in one corner of the room. When Marcus turned his head to face them, they scurried behind an old stove, out of sight once more. (**Starting off with an obscure song reference your character is too dim to pick up on and a vague piece of crap you interpret as philosophical, strong! What about back-story, grabbing interest, and in-depth detail, the only thing you have done is set the tone, boring. Sin Count: 7**)

Marcus lit up a cigarette and took a good look around. Near the corner where he had seen the rats he saw an old, rusty stove that probably didn't work anymore. Near it was a preparation table stained crimson with human blood, as well as a wood table filled with guns and ammunition. The entrance door was opposite of him, and to the left of it was a shelf with four health kits. The door on the other side had a table with K- and D-rations next to it, as well as several water bottles. He got up and walked to the water bottles... (**We've acknowledged the almighty stove twice now! Even if this magical stove worked, electricity isn't really a thing anymore. Vague, boring description of the surroundings, is it nighttime, daytime, what?! Sin Count: 10**)

"Doesn't seem clean," he muttered to himself, opening one bottle and smelling the liquid. He retched slightly, pouring the rancid liquid all over the floor. Leaning against the old stove, he reminisced about his past life. Sergeant Marcus Voyavich of Fire Team Zulu in the U.S. Army. A man who led one of the finest fire teams in the western sector of the U.S. He slowly slumped until he lay on the floor. His eyes drooped, despite his brain's protests to keep them open. Slowly, ever so quietly, he fell asleep. **(Bottled water doesn't spoil. Unless it's Boomer bile, I'd take a swig of that than force myself onward. You try to make a fancy name by combining a fictional group and a powerful historical people, clearly trying too hard. I tend to sleep quietly and my brain's a bitch about it, let's write that down! Sin Count: 13)**

_Flashback __**(No one reads nor likes these, establish characterization, something you said you would do. Sin Count: 14)**_

_"Sir, we've got people trying to cross the line!" Marcus' newest private pointed to a stream of people climbing the fence which surrounded Fire Team Zulu's perimeter. The only evacuation bus left was behind the perimeter, and it was already filled to the brim. The fence creaked under the weight of the hysterical mob. Marcus nodded to his lieutenant, who was manning an M60, to open fire. The mob began to fall in a rain of crimson. Inside the bus, the driver nodded to Marcus as the bus began its journey to Sacramento, the last remaining safe haven in the Western states. The perimeter fell as the bus slowly shuffled out of the parking lot...__**(Because everyone knows the military doesn't try to have some order, no, they skip straight to a Mai Lai massacre. Seems like everyone has telekinesis, just a movement of the head and everybody knows what to do. Sin Count: 16)**_

_"Pull back, pull back!" Marcus' lieutenant yelled as the unruly mob slowly transformed into a horde of infected. It all began with the fat woman who was complaining of a headache a few hours ago. She began puking up red chunks onto the people around her during the mob to try and get to the bus... and the rest is, well, history.__ (__**They did this suddenly and without warning, maybe that would justify your massacre! Maybe this fat chick was paying for that bad Chinese she had. Also, bullshit, Rule #1, cardio, she would not have made it this far. Sin Count: 19**__)_

_Marcus' troops slowly pulled back, still firing their assault rifles, to form a tight circle in the center of the perimeter, where the bus had once been. The infected kept coming and coming, with no end in sight. The fire team ended up splitting up, with Marcus, his lieutenant, and three privates going towards the apartments nearby. The rest of the troops chose to head to the garage across from the apartments. __**(Is this a porno, repeated attempts at pulling out, coming to the degree of bukkake, and me being ashamed for watching this afterwards. Yep, it's porn. Also, describe where the hell they are! I thought they were in a desert, is this a city, the suburbs, a campus, what!? Sin Count: 21)**_

_"Good luck!" Marcus yelled as he directed his team into one of the apartments. As he closed the door, he got a quick glance of the other team. They were being quickly ovverun, with only two men left. One was firing the M60, and the other was puking on the floor, slowly turning into a mindless infected. Marcus shook his head and motioned for his teammates to head upstairs. He followed them, closing the door behind him.__** (Oh yeah, because every sergeant or whatever the hell your Marty Stu is based off of doesn't give two shits about his men being attacked and mauled to death. At this rate, you might as well flip them off and laugh at the service they provided to this country. Sin Count: 22.)**_

_"Alright, everyone take positions!" Marcus ordered. Two of the three privates took positions by the single door leading to the room. His lieutenant took a position by him, each of them covering the two windows, and the final private took a position by the bookcase, facing the door. Only one, peeling wall, to the left of the door, was left undefended. Marcus would realize that mistake far too late...__** (Okay, this definitely sounds like porn. How did they get into this apartment, set the stage so my imagination doesn't have to do all the work you lazy bastard! Sin Count: 24)**_

_At first his team made quick work of any infected who came upstairs. Then the peeling wall began to rumble. One of the privates scratched his head in confusion. __(__**Yeah, because if a swarm of infected are attacking me, a rumble in the wall will perplex me to the point I am left powerless and not assume zombie treachery is afoot. Sin Count: 25**__)_

_"What the - Oh shit!" he realized what was going on. The infected broke through the wall, climbing up from the first floor, and swarmed the remenants of Fire Team Zulu. The two privates by the door were quickly overwhelmed, as was the private by the bookcase. They screamed in agony - in pain and horror - as their living flesh was torn. Their brains, their hearts, their arteries: all torn from them and thrown to the side. Marcus could only watch in horror, but his lieutenant kept firing and grabbed his collar.__**(Okay, this is a porno, there are severed pieces of manhood on a bookshelf and by the door, must be Lorena Bobit's apartment. Also, are these zombies spider-men, climbing through the floor?! I'm pretty sure I've never screamed in agony without feelings of pain and/or horror. He also starts to care about his troops at the worst of times. Sin Count: 29)**_

_"It's now or never!" she yelled, smashing her elbow against one of the windows. She dragged Marcus and jumped out, both of them landing on top of a parked car. Luckily, its alarm was off. Marcus groaned slightly, thinking that bruises would probably color his chest soon enough. His lieutenant, however, was in far worse shape. She barely looked human anymore. Her eyes were –__** (Yes, the elbow, the anatomy's rifle butt, hard and impossible to wound or cut. Let me get this straight, a man jumped from, assumingly, a second story to a car chest first, and will only have bruises?! How did she do this transformation so quickly, was she infected right in the midst of her menstrual cycle?! Sin Count: 32)**_

_End Flashback__**(Thank God! Sin Count: 31)**_

Marcus woke up, his arms flailing. (**No, goddammit NO! Stay asleep; suffer cardiac arrest for no reason! Sin Count: 32**) His mind was cloudy and at first he had no idea where he was. His eyes soon ajusted to the dark, though, and he realized that the sun was peering over the horizon. He had slept well over 8 hours! He pushed his thoughts of the past out of his mind and got up, his limbs aching slightly. Looking to the table, he saw that an assault rifle, a SCAR Close-Combat, was laying. His own weapon - an AK-47 that he had scavenged off of his late lieutenant, was out of ammunition. Upon further inspection of the table, he saw that there were no magazines compatible with his AK. Sighing, he picked up the SCAR and slung it. He paused for a moment and grunted, picking up his empty AK-47 and slinging it next to his SCAR. **(Good to see he can tell time after an indefinite amount of unconsciousness. Also, from witnessing hardcore porn to grand theft, where does it end for this man! Sin Count: 34)**

After watching the sun's few rays peaking over the buildings for a few moments, he grabbed a K-ration and cut it open with his Swiss-Army knife. It was standard stuff: crackers, cheese, a small can of tea to mix with water, and instructions. He discarded the instructions and stuffed his mouth full with the crackers and cheese - it had been a while since his last meal. He poured the tea into one of the cleaner water bottles and mixed it together. Taking a quick drink, he spat but kept the bottle anyway. Looking out onto the other door, he saw it was devoid of any infected.** (Wait, you're telling me food that can spoil, go bad, or go stale has a longer shelf life than bottled water? Sin Count: 35)**

"Strange," he muttered to himself, "I could've sworn -"

He cut off his rantings as he heard crying. Clearly someone was still alive - unless zombies had learned to cry? He dismissed the thought and decided he had to try and rescue to the distressed survivor. He took a closer look outside. He heard the crying echoing from a nearby townhouse. It had seen better days: its windows were all broken and the bricks that lined its walls were whitish and pale. It was slouching to one side and he hesitated. Did he really want to enter a building that could fall in on him at any moment? No, he couldn't hesitate. He could never live with himself if a survivor he could have rescued ended up dead. (**Really, he has yet to meet a witch? Maybe it's fresh into the Green Flu Pandemic, I don't know because you haven't told us jack shit! Sin Count: 36**)

Unbarring the exit door, he unslung his SCAR. He brushed his fingers against his waist, reassured by the cold metal of the Magnum that he felt slung on his belt. Smiling a bit, he opened the door and walked out into the cool dawn. He crept around carefully, lest he should alert a horde. As he approached the townhouse nearby, he saw something that caused his jaw to unhinge. (**Oh my God, he bronzed one of the privates to keep it forever! Sin Count: 37**)

There was an SUV there. He couldn't tell what make or what brand - he wasn't into cars - but it seemed like it was fit to drive. It only had a couple of dents, and there were even gas cans nearby. The prospect of escape seemed like a wild fantasy now, but there it was! However, it wasn't the car that had made his jaw hinge. Right in front of it was... **(Does a brand matter in the apocalypse?! Whatever happened to your effort to save a survivor? ADHD, anyone? Sin Count: 39)**

A witch. **(You know what they are! Sin Count: 40)** He had no idea of the danger he was in. (**Okay, I jumped the gun… Sin Count: 39**) Assuming it was just a survivor who had cracked, Marcus took slow steps towards her. She was a pale grey and had long grey hair that shaded her face from the sun. Her sharp claws were covering the rest of her face as she cried, and Marcus shuddered when she let out a long howl during the brief moments when she stopped crying. He raised his SCAR, its lazer sight accidently shining in her eyes.** (Wait, you can easily identify a zombie, but this slips under your radar?! She has pale-ass Marilyn Manson, gamer nerd skin! Second, fucking claws! That's where you should at least think, "I say, I may have made an uncalculated error. Sin Count: 41)**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She burst off sprinting after him. Marcus took off running for the SUV. (**She's in front of it, she will kill you! Did you get displaced because even the author has no idea where to go with this plot!? Sin Count: 42**) It was his only chance. As the witch neared closer and closer, he could almost feel her sharp, jagged claws sinking into his flesh. (**How is she behind you, did you go in a circle!? What just happened to she's directly in front of the fucking car! Sin Count: 43**) He ran into the open SUV door and slammed it shut. Just in time, too. The witch's arm dangled out in front of him, broken away from the rest of her body. He shot the quivering arm with his magnum and sighed uneasily. (**Yes, because in this universe, severed limbs will attack you. Bonus, hands have brains! Sin Count: 44**) Groaning, he looked to his chest and saw the witch had left a sizable slash on it. (**How did she get your front, that makes no sense! Sin Count: 45**) Reaching for his medkit, he pulled out bandages and some alcohol to clean his wound. The witch was still outside, banging against the SUV with her emaciated body. **(Wait, she's still alive!? Kill it before it breaks your glass! Sin Count: 46)** After washing his wound off, he pulled out his SCAR and shot the witch several times until she ceased to move. **(So much for no broken glass, now there's nothing there to protect you from gore, cold wind, or rain. Sin Count: 47)** Carefully opening the door, he threw the witch's arm out. Marcus proceeded to bandage himself. (**What the fuck, HOW DID YOU SHOOT HER!? Did the bullets have a magical property that makes them intangible until it comes into contact with a zombie?! Sin Count: 49**)

"Huh," he got out of the SUV and looked at the gas cans, "I wonder..." (**Please, light yourself on fire to cleanse yourself of your sins!**)

He walked towards the cans and picked them up. Marcus popped open the gas tank and refilled the SUV. It seemed strange to him that someone would leave a perfectly good SUV and gasoline during a zombie apocalypse. But, then again, now wasn't the time to question his good luck. He sat back into the driver seat and looked for a key. **(Really, you wonder if you can properly gas a car up! This is the wrong time to start musing, pal! Sin Count: 51)**

"Nothing," Marcus muttered, disappointed, "If John were here he could've hotwired this. Damn..." **(He killed himself so he doesn't have to deal with your senseless bullshit)**

Marcus looked to the passenger's seat and saw a zombified body that lay, shot, with a gun in its hand. (**How do you miss a corpse, their has to be blood in this car! Sin Count: 52**) He realized what had happened. (**He read you story! The poor soul!**) Shaking it off, he pulled out the wirebox in the car and began his many attempts to hotwire the SUV.** (It was so easy in Grant Theft Auto (which you are now committing), why not in "real" life? Sin Count: 53)**

_Two hours earlier...__** (NO! I was a free, happy man two hours ago, stop this! Sin Count: 54)**_

_Marcus was still sound asleep in the safe room. He turned over slightly, trying to drown out the faint buzzing noise that was coming from outside. He turned over, trying to get the buzzing sound out of his head, and awoke. Bleary-eyed, he could see the shadow of headlights approaching him, but he soon fell asleep again. Outside the safe room, a brand new, polished SUV was humming through town. It had two people inside - both young teenagers with guns. The driver was a dashing young man - blonde-haired, blue-eyed, the sort you see in the movies - and the passenger to his right was a girl - not beautiful but not ugly by any standards. __**(Yes, describe her vivid looks to us, Tara Gilesbie. Sin Count: 55) (Another thing, how did two teens, with little to no skill in survival, shooting, or fighting, manage to snag a working SUV: 56) **__Both were giggling and generally having a great time as the blonde man drove through the deserted city. They were survivors, of course,__**(No shit, Sherlock. Sin Count: 57)**__ but they tried to make it seem like the apocalypse was a good time. __**(Trying to make it seem better…What is this, my senior prom? Sin Count: 58)**__ They tried hard to take their minds off of the impending doom.__** (Wait, they know they're going to die…Sign me up as long as I never have to see things like this! Sin Count: 59)**_

_"Hey John," the passenger, Mary, smiled at him, "Where are we going?"__**(Mary Sue, we're going to a nice, quiet place where I can let my teenage urges take hold. Also, is this the John you were thinking of, Marcus, a teenager who shouldn't be driving? One last thing, what the fuck does this flashback have to do with anything, I'm so lost! Sin Count: 62)**_

_"There are rumors that a 747 - one of those giant jetliners - is leaving for Pittsburgh from LAX. From there we can drive over to Allegheny National Forest where the military's gonna pick us up," John responded. He leaned back as he eased the car into a left turn near the safe room where Marcus was resting. All those months he racked up in Marcus' squad sure did help him when it came to nerves.__** (Wait, you're in a safe state, stay! Is this kid in the military, we are so fucked! Finally, is this the John Marcus was thinking about or are you even confused by your shitpile of story. Sin Count: 65)**_

_"Why not somewhere closer, like near California," Mary leaned her head on John. She sighed quietly as John continued driving. Suddenly, she let out an ear-piercing yell.__**(YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA, YOU DUMB BITCH! Sin Count: 66)**_

_"THERE'S A ZOMBIE!" she screamed. John kept his nerve and veered away from the zombie. But it was too late.__ (__**Wow, a zombie in the zombie apocalypse, who would have guessed it? We're so unprepared, all we have is a few tons of plastic and metal to kill it wi… Sin Count: 68**__)_

_The SUV roared as its driver turned too hard, too fast. Skidding, the vehicle slammed into a nearby tree, denting it slightly in the front. John groaned, dazed and confused, but his hands found their way to the clutch. Switching to reverse, he ran right over the incoming zombie, crushing it with a sickening 'SQUELCH!' As the SUV backed up, the back popped open and several full gas cans fell out, rolling to a stop a few feet away from the vehicle. He breathed hard, trying to calm down from the adrenaline rush he had, and trying to better assess the situation.__**(That would have solved a few problems if you just DROVE STRAIGHT. Gas cans are RECTANGULAR, it's impossible for them to ROLL several times! Slide, yes, but roll, go to hell. What, killing a zombie is too intense for you? Sin Count: 71)**_

_"Okay," he thought, "Zombie's dead. We'll be fine. Why does my arm hurt so much, though?"___

_John gulped. In a sudden, unexpected move he feverishly pulled up his right sleeve. Horrified, he rolled it back down before Mary could take a good look. His right arm had had a small slice in it an hour ago. Now, the wound was swelling and had puss. His thoughts began to cloud and he began to mumble incoherently. Pulling the key out of its slot, John jammed it in his pant pocket without a second thought. His mind was running on adrenaline now, and his thoughts began to fog as his brain slowly hemorraged and died.__**(Was he bitten?! Did this chick give him something he'll need medicine for? WHAT?! Yeah, better screw over your mentally incapacitated girlfriend by taking that key she'll need. Also, from family experience, you feel pain and then you're out when you bleed into your brain, not have enough time to get your thoughts in order. If that was the case, I'd be a millionaire if my grandpa could pay attention. Sin Count: 74)**_

_"Gotta get out. Gotta get out. Gotta get out," John mumbled under his breath, violently lashing at the seatbelt, trying to get it off. Mary looked at him with a puzzled and slightly frightened look._

_"John," she said seriously, "John are you alright?"_

_John calmed down a bit and leaned back against the chair. He stopped mumbling and groaned._

_"Yeah," he said shakily, "Y-yeah I'm..."_

_John tilted his head back._

_"I'm... I'm oh..."_

_Growls began to emate from his mouth. John opened his eyes quickly and shot a look at Mary, who screamed in horror. John's eyes were milky white, and his arms were scratching her. In a rare moment of strength, she yanked the pistol from John's belt and shot him in the head. Shaking, she dropped the pistol and screamed, this time even louder than the last. Unbuckling herself, she unbuckled John, opened the door, and dragged his body to the passenger's seat. Fearing that someone would think she was a killer, she took the pistol and lay it in John's hand. She began sobbing uncontrollably and her fingers began to ache. Dragging herself away from the SUV in pain, she sat down nearby and brought her hands up to her face. Thoughts were meshing together and she was losing her mind. She suddenly saw a bright light coming towards her. Raising her head, she began to walk towards it. It was warm... Comforting... Peaceful... Oh so very peaceful. __**(How do you go from eyes to a mauling? Also, I'm pretty sure those teenage urges are taking over right about now. It doesn't take strength, he's still in a seatbelt, he can do nothing! Yes, because killing a zombie is murder and you don't want anyone to use forensic evidence to hunt you down. Holy crap, my menstrual theory of random infection was right! Sin Count: 79)**_

_As Marcus began to greet the morning sunshine after his rest, a Witch could be heard crying. There was no soul in this body, just an angry, diseased brain. The soul had departed a few hours back to live with John, her mother, and her father on a nice farm away from the city. That soul had been a happy, carefree one up until tonight. Now, only skin upon a bony skeleton remained.__**(This paragraph describes me perfectly as I read this shit. For using an allegory, I will take off one sin. Sin Count: 78)**_

_Present time...__** (SON OF A BITCH! Sin Count: 79)**_

"Goddammit!" (**My thoughts exactly!**) Marcus threw the wires down in frustration. He had tried for two hours to hotwire the car without success. Grabbing the wirebox, he carefully set it back in its original position. (**Wait, you cut through several wire, through it on the ground, and now you try to make amends by putting it back? Sin Count: 80**) Looking to the dead body with the gunshot wound, he snaked out his arms tentatively. (**It's been dead for four hours, it would have attacked you by now. Sin Count: 81**) Upon seeing it was really dead, he began searching pocket after pocket for the key. After finding it in the body's pant pocket, he inserted it into the key slot and found, much to his delight, that it worked! (**Wait, you waited two hours fiddling with a bunch of wires to finally search the body for that key!? Also, you've cut the wires to hell, how is it possible that thing still works! Sin Count: 83**)

"Alright, time to get down to business," Marcus knew that the longer he stayed here the higher the chance that zombies would find him. Running to the safe room, he grabbed all the rations he could carry, as well as several water bottles, and threw them in the back seat of the SUV. **(Why, they've gone bad for no reason, remember? Sin Count: 84) **He then closed the trunk of the SUV, which he had mysteriously found to have been opened, and dragged the shot body from the passenger's seat to a nearby bush outside. (**You can't identify this body of a man who knew you, horse shit! Also, what is with people just lugging corpses around, you can get sick from that, you know! Sin Count: 86**) Closing the passenger door with a satisfied smirk, he jumped in the SUV, laid down his weapons in the passenger's seat, and drove off. As mile after mile of road passed him, and the sun began rising higher in the sky, he wondered where he was going to go. Slowing to a stop near a highway on-ramp, he opened the glove compartment and looked inside.

"Nothing useful, that's disgusting," Marcus haphazardly tossed the objects inside onto the car floor. He then caught a glimpse of a map underneath all of the other objects.** (Wait, what was disgusting? Don't be a tease; tell us in your brand of little detail! Sin Count: 87)**

"Hmm..." he unfolded the map, "Now THAT'S interesting."

The map was torn in many places (not that it mattered; the only spots left were California, Lousiana, and Pennsylvania), but he could make out a clear path to Los Angeles that was marked in bold, red letters: **(Safe zones, is the story banned there?! Please, take me with you!)**

"GO TO LAX AIRPORT FOR EVAC. 747 AVAILABLE FOR TRANSPORT. LIMITED SEATS. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE."

"Looks like I'm getting out of here after all," Marcus grinned. He sped up and dodged the cars that filled the road, driving on sidewalks and into destroyed buildings as detours on his way to LAX...

_Meanwhile, at Allegheny National Forest...__**(Really, this isn't a flashback, STOP! Sin Count: 88)**_

_"Goddammit Bill!" Francis threw his arms up as the APC jerked from side to side, "Don't you know how to drive? I thought you fought in 'Nam!"__**(Bull shit, the survivors got in the back, they didn't drive. Sin Count: 89)**_

_"I was a gunner in 'Nam," Bill responded, his cigarette flaring up slightly as if it were angry, "I'll be damned if I know how to drive this thing!"__**(They…didn't…drive! Sin Count: 90)**_

_The APC jerked wildly as the old veteran tried to tame it. Unlike a car, this APC had insensative steering, so Bill ended up swerving left and right as he attempted to dodge zombies and other obstacles... This was gonna be a long few days... __**(SENSATIVE steering is where you turn every which direction and up, INSENSATIVE steering doesn't turn for shit. Sin Count: 91)**_

Author's Note: So, what do you think of it? I spent three days writing it, so if there's any mistakes or universe errors that's probably why. (**READ A DAMN WIKI! Also, you just admitted to your story sucking, why didn't you do that in the start?! Sin Count: 93**) Anyway, review please! (**You made AIDS treatment seem a more manageable process than this.**) If you're going to flame, stay the hell away! **(You just opened the floodgates to trolls like myself, who I hope will find and flame your story back to Hell! Sin Count: 94)** But, if you didn't like it for good reasons, please explain in your review what I should improve and what you didn't like. (**You wrote this. Sin Count: 95**) First reviewer gets to pick how the survivors and Marcus meet up!** (They shoot Marcus to death like in the beginning of the original RoboCop.)** Also, please vote on whether you would like the Left 4 Dead 2 characters (Nick, Coach, Rochelle, Ellis) to make an appearance in the fanfic. **(Why must more people suffer now?! Sin Count: 96)** I'll continue writing when I get at least 5 reviews - whether positive or negative. (**Don't wait pal, just write until this is either successful or you realize how stupid it his. Sin Count: 97) (Also, you're a quitter who gives up just because his story isn't popular, keep trying! Oh wait, you did the right thing, everyone else, don't quit! Sin Count: 98**) :3

**THE RANT:**

OH MY GOD, what the hell was that?! First off, I've gone over stuff you've done, and you have a history of quitting because things don't get popular. Nobody, except Scarecrow'sMainFan, can write a successful first story, you have to be patient and wait. Also, holy shit, the description is sparse and atrocious. I don't know where half of this is occurring, so I just assume the Death Toll map, but this is California, so give me a background! What was his drive like, how did he get here, and what was his early life, and no flashbacks, just mention it! Paint a picture, not draw squiggly lines and let me guess what the fuck it is, you lazy Pictionary prick! Then we get to this question, how are people getting infected randomly?! The infection spreads quickly so signs should be readily available. It seems they have enough will power to save Marty Stu and die before him. Another thing, plot holes and nonsensical add-ins, where do I begin! I could pick your logic apart bit by bit, but I've already completely discredited that so let's get to other aspects, like Marcus. There is a car outside that safehouse, salvation as he knows it, but he'd rather sleep on a cold, hard concrete surface. This guy is also pretty indecisive; he can't save two groups of people that he is in charge of. For one, he basically told them to screw off because they didn't agree with his plan of defense, like any general will tell you, sacrificing half your forces is good strategy. Then, his other crew got ripped apart and he just watched, as opposed to shooting the damn zombies! The guy also has his own brand of ADHD, he continues to use and save that "rancid" water only to rediscover how bad it is, heal his wounds before remembering a witch that could have busted his window open and killed him, and, with a thought of his pal who is right next to him, goes from looking for a key to hotwiring a car, something he has no knowledge of. Finally, I have to pick at your effort. Honestly, writing one chapter of this length and quality is stunning and concerning. You managed to make procrastinators like me seem as though we can wait until the last minute and write works of art compared to what you do. You try to make Marty, I mean Marcus seems like a reasonable Joe-turned-hero, but he falls to the dreaded author-projected-character of a Mary Sue. While others around him randomly die, he remains unaffected by this and continues on a mission to nowhere until something pops up. You honestly want to make your character seem as manly and awesome as possible, but you churned out a dim-witted, apathetic, overly-lucky Marty Stu. Next time, don't try so hard to write a masterpiece and focus on key details, bud.

**Total Sin Count: 98**

**Sentencing:**

While normally I'd condemn this trash back to Hell, I'd much rather see the floodgate of trolls go after this story. So yeah, welcome to Hell. Better yet, I'll have a tank fist you next time you attempt to write a popular L4D story.

**Next Time: As requested by a reviewer and a major staple of 's badfic section, the scourge of Bronies everywhere:**

_**Cupcakes**_


	3. Edward Meets Sherlock (Zivon)

_**Everything**_

_**Wrong**_

_**With:**_

Edward Meets Sherlock

_**(In 12 pages or less)**_

Why did Edward _(Edward Cullen makes an appearance. __**Sin Count: **__1) _stop attacking humans? _(When did he start? __**Sin Count: 2**__)_ After all, he was only attacking criminals. During those brief ten years, he was acting on behalf of justice. Using his powers to stop evil, by becoming evil himself _(If you could mention what he did or who he killed, that would be great, but you won't. __**Sin Count: 3**__)_. So why did he stop? Because he met someone. A human. Someone who even today, scared him. Someone so great that the simple mention of his name would send a chill down his spine. _(Probably Robert Pattinson. __**Sin Count: 4)**_

He would forever remember that day, even if he didn't know what time it was, or what day it was _(Then how the hell does he remember it? __**Sin Count: 5**__)_. Dates did not matter to him, as long as he could make that thirst for blood go away_(According to everyone I know who has read the books, he stops drinking human blood when he starts drinking animal blood. This seems like a really easy solution, why did it take him so freaking long to think of it? __**Sin count: 6**__)_. In the blink of an eye, he had killed the man _(Wait, what? Who? When? __**Sin Count: 7**__) _and started drinking his blood. His thoughts showed a horrible string of murders, one that he had hid well. Extremely well, in fact. Edward, being able to read minds, was probably the only person alive who would ever know the terrible deeds that person had committed _(It's not like anyone else would EVER see this stuff. __**Sin Count: 8**__)_.

"Why did you kill him?"

Edward quickly turned around, to see where the owner of that voice was hiding. Not that he needed. He was just in front of him, not trying to hide _(No, don't hide from the man who just murdered a guy and drank his blood. __**Sin Count: 9**__)_. The stranger had his hand on the dead man's neck, probably trying to confirm his death _(Within biting or beating range. __**Sin Count: 10**__)_.

"So young, to have committed such an act," he said, as he shook his head in disapproval.

"You don't know the full story," _(How do you know that? __**Sin Count: **__11) (Also, whether or not he knows the full story, you just killed a dude, so you're in deep sh*t either way. __**Sin Count: 12**__) _Edward replied, almost as if fighting to hide a smile.

The man seemed offended at Edward's remark. After getting up, he stared at him with a cocky smirk on his face, not showing the slightest sign of fear despite the situation. _(Is anyone actually scared of Edward? Schoolgirls aren't even remotely scared of him, why should this guy? __**Sin Count: 13**__)_

"I," he started proudly, "know the full story. You, on the other hand, cannot say the same." _(Again, how do you know that? __**Sin Count: 14**__)_

Edward, aware that he was caught by a human killing someone, said nothing despite a strong desire to contradict the man _(Stop trying to do my job! __**Sin Count: 15**__)_. Before he could finish his inner struggle on whether he should say something or not, the man went on with his speech.

"You killed this man," the man said. _(No sh*t. __**Sin Count: 16**__)_

It wasn't a question.

"Yes," Edward confirmed, ready to make a run for it if he had to. _(Just run now you idiot! You have vampire super speed! __**Sin Count: 17**__)_

"An innocent man."

"No."

At that moment, both the man and Edward stared at each other. Daring the other to say something _(Why is this a separate sentence? __**Sin Count: 18**__)_. It was hard to be precise about how long they kept staring at each other, but a minute or two should be accurate enough. The man was the first one to say something.

"Very well then...What's your name, boy?" _(Do you no longer care that he murdered someone? __**Sin Count: 19**__)_  
"Edward." He said it simply. He had no need to hide his name, since he could make a run to another country any moment he wished. _(Then do it! __**Sin Count: 20**__)_

"Edward. I am Sherlock Holmes."

Holmes announced his name, perhaps expecting a reaction from Edward. He could not hide his disappointment when he showed no signs of recognizing his name _(This fairy is hundreds of years old, how does he not know Sherlock? __**Sin Count: 21**__)_, but those signs were probably misinterpreted as fear _(How? __**Sin Count: 22**__)_.

"That man killed someone. Did you know that?" Edward exclaimed looking at Holmes, expecting to see a reaction of mixed shock and frustration. _(You still just murdered him in cold blood, the fact that he killed someone won't get you out of trouble. __**Sin Count: 23**__)_

"Yes," Holmes said simply, before adding, "and he killed the man who was about to kill his own wife in order to save her _(How do you know that? Why would he kill her? What the f*ck is going on? __**Sin Count: 24**__)_. Did you know that?"  
Edward did not know that. Maybe Holmes was just playing with him, or maybe he should have read his mind further than he actually had _(How do you not notice something like this when you read a guy's mind? __**Sin Count: 25**__)_. He had indeed committed a murder, but what if his intentions were as noble as Holmes had just told him?

"You lie."

"Do I, really?" Holmes replied, almost laughing.

Holmes got down again, in order to examine the dead man's body. He looked at his muscles, and then looked at Edward.

"This does not make sense," he commented, puzzled, "you are smaller than him, and yet you seem to have killed him by strangulation _(This is something you're supposed to tell us when you first mention someone was killed. __**Sin Count: 26**__)_. How did you do it?"

It was an honest question. Holmes seemed puzzled by the situation.

"Well," Edward started, convicted that he would be able to reason his way out of this one, "I didn't do it. It seems rather improbable, don't you think? For someone like me to try to strangle him, instead of bringing a weapon…" _(You already confessed to killing him! __**Sin Count: 27**__)_

"It's improbable, yes," Holmes conceded, before adding, "however, once you eliminate the impossible, that this man committed suicide, then you know that whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Therefore, I know you killed him." _(And the fact that he ALREADY __**TOLD **__**YOU**__**! Sin Count: 28**__)_

Edward had never experienced a situation like that one before. The man before him was mere mortal, and yet, he couldn't shake him. He couldn't prove him wrong _(If this is the only idea you have to convince him you're innocent after you already confessed you're even dumber than I thought. __**Sin Count: 29**__)_. He couldn't just confuse him. Maybe he should kill him right there, before things got dangerous. _(Yes, more murder is always the answer. __**Sin Count: 30**__)_

"I wouldn't kill me if I were you. In case you haven't noticed, a policeman is about twenty meters away from us. I would say he could easily recognize you," Holmes remarked casually. _(How you and your vampire super senses didn't notice this is beyond me. __**Sin Count: 31**__) (Also, it's just one guy, why can't you just kill him too? __**Sin Count: 32**__)_

Edward looked around. A policeman was indeed there, just waiting for a sign, or perhaps just hesitating because of fear. It was what one could only describe as a checkmate. Even if he killed Holmes, the man would fire his gun _(His gun is probably a flintlock pistol given the time period, so what are you so worried about? __**Sin Count: 33**__)_. Whether the shot hit him or not, did not matter. The sound would be enough to wake up every single living soul in that street. And Edward's existence as a vampire would be revealed. _(Just run as they panic. You have super speed so you can escape! __**Sin Count: 34**__)_ Sure, maybe people wouldn't believe in the story, but what if they did? Then Europe would want him hanged. They would never be able to accomplish that, but that meant that they would try _(If you know they won't succeed, why are you so scared? __**Sin Count: 35**__)_. And if they tried, that would mean the end of his peace _(Why? I mean, the authorities would give up eventually, and they don't have jurisdiction in other countries which you already said you can easily run to. __**Sin Count: 36**__)_. He would have to be constantly on the lookout for maniacs that tried to kill him _(What? Why? __**Sin Count: 37**__)_. Though the chance of that happening was small, he could not risk it. People didn't believe in vampires anymore. What if he ruined all of that? What if he disappointed his Father even further?

"So, would you mind accompanying me to my home?" _(Home? Why not to jail? He already confessed to murder and you saw him drink someone's blood! __**Sin Count: 38**__) _Holmes asked. "I and officer Lestrade got some questions we would like to ask you." _(Well that explains it, since by the look of this sentence, Sherlock Holmes has become a redneck. __**Sin Count: 39**__)_

"Do I have a choice?" Edward replied, with a challenging smile on his face.

"Yes. We could just bring you to jail _(You should! __**Sin Count: 40**__)_, where you would not be able to escape from without demonstrating your powers again."

He smiled at Edward. Edward was not dazzled by that. That man was dangerous. More dangerous than any vampire he had ever met before _(That's because those are Twilight vampires. __**Sin Count: 41**__)_. That man did not have any powers, but he was stronger than anyone else. Edward felt something he had never felt before. Fear. Immeasurable and absolute fear.

"You are going to regret this," Edward muttered, giving up his cocky smirk and adopting a more murderous expression.

"Am I, really?" Holmes chuckled.

Edward tried to regain his composure. He had about fifty seconds before they reached the policeman, and went to Sherlock's house _(Why would it take you that long to get to a guy who's standing close by? __**Sin Count: 42**__)_. Calm down, Edward. _(Put in some indication that this is something he's thinking next time. __**Sin Count: 43**__) _He told himself. You can do this. They are just humans. You are a vampire. They are mere mortals. Edward decided to read his mind. It didn't matter how smart Holmes was. As long as he knew what he was thinking, he could win.

"What's the problem?" Holmes asked. _(The audience doesn't know either, especially since we haven't been shown anything that would indicate something is wrong. __**Sin Count: 44**__)_

Edward was sweating. He had never seen a mind like that one before. It was not like he couldn't read it, no. He could. But he couldn't understand his thoughts. He was thinking in two, maybe three different languages at the same time. One sentence in French, the other in Latin, one in English. His mind was just too complex. The speed he moved from one thought to another, the amount of thoughts he had at the same time…It was overwhelming. _(Edward just got mentally owned, this isn't really a sin, I just thought I should mention it.)_

"Perhaps, you need to see a doctor?" Holmes inquired, as Edward realized he was laying on the ground.

"I am fine," Edward assured.

"You do look a little pale," Holmes noted, "very much so in fact." _(Did you just notice this? God, he hasn't even seen the sparkly bullsh*t yet. __**Sin Count: 45**__)_

"I'm fine," Edward repeated.

They kept walking, and soon, reached the Policeman that was waiting for them _(Again, just how far away was this guy? __**Sin Count: 46**__)_. Edward couldn't think of a plan fast enough. He had been overwhelmed by the great detective's mind. It was too much of a shock. All those years, he had never seen a mind like that one. _(It probably didn't help that he was a character of one of the dumbest authors on the planet, I mean, how hard can it be to outsmart a Stephanie Meyer character? __**Sin Count: 47**__)_

"Edward, Lestrade," Holmes said, introducing them to each other. "Lestrade is the most tenacious police officer I know. Don't try anything in front of him."

Edward chuckled. He looked around. Of course! He just had to run away. Why didn't he think of that earlier_(You. F*CKING. __**IDIOT! **__That's worth at least five sins, even for a Twilight character. __**Sin Count: 51**__)_? He just had to run away and then…

"Now, don' try to run away," Holmes remarked while handcuffing him to Lestrade

Can he read my mind? Edward wondered. Is he a Vampire too? _(You already said you knew he was mortal. __**Sin Count: 52**__)_

But Edward knew that wasn't true. He smelled like a human being. But he couldn't accept that a mere human, could rival him. That a mere human, could outsmart him. _(No one ever said humans were stupid. __**Sin Count: 53**__)_

"Here we are," Holmes announced, "Baker Street. My home."

Edward knew he couldn't run. He could break the handcuff, but given his strength, he would likely destroy Lestrade's hand. And so, revealing his identity as a Vampire. He had no choice. _(Or you could just break the chains. __**Sin Count: 54**__)_

"This is my friend, Dr. Watson." Holmes said as he introduced him to Edward.

I can't go to jail, no matter what. No matter what. If I go, they will either eventually notice that I don't age, or I will have to break out of there using my powers.

Before Edward knew what was happening, Watson was holding his wrist, looking for a pulse. Probably because he looked so pale, it was his instinct as a doctor. Edward reacted as fast as he could, and that was his mistake. He jumped. Way higher than a normal person could jump, and broke the handcuffs. Lestrade's hand, while still attached to his body _(HOW!? __**Sin Count: 55**__)_, was bleeding. And that made Edward jump towards him, desperate to drink it. He could feel it already. The taste of the blood…

Bang.

A gunshot had been fired. Edward looked around. The gunshot had hit him in the head, slowing him down enough to give Lestrade time to get his own gun with his good arm, and shoot Edward in the heart. Edward couldn't die from these wounds, but the impact was enough to make him take a few steps back. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. _(Stop right there. In nearly every vampire lore out there, including Twilight according to my sources, a way to kill a vampire is by decapitation, and a shot to the head could be a functional decapitation. Even then, destroying the heart would also kill a vampire, so how is sparkly here still alive? That's five sins right there. __**Sin Count: 60**__)_

"My god, Holmes!" Watson exclaimed. "He has no pulse, he is still alive after a shot to the head, and another shot to the heart! He is a monster!"

A monster. That hit him harder than those bullets _(I highly doubt that. __**Sin Count: 61**__)_. He hated being a monster. More than anything. But now that wasn't the end of his pain. Another two shots followed, one to his shoulder, and another one to his arm. Though the wounds would heal, he took two steps back. He was shocked. That man, Sherlock Holmes, didn't flinch when he demonstrated his powers. He just took the most logical course of action.

"You are faster than us, indeed," Holmes said, calmly analyzing the situation, "but you can't win against us."

It was time to show them the true power of Edward Cullen, he thought. It was time to show them just how different from them he was. _(Dude, this is Twilight, you're not that different, just strong, fast and sparkly. __**Sin Count: 62**__)_

"I can't die. The only manner to kill me is to rip me to shreds and burn me to ashes _(Not even in twilight are the rules that stupid. __**Sin Count: 63**__)_. The only thing you can do is immobilize me for a moment with those gunshots…" _(Just jam a stake in his heart and be done with it. __**Sin Count: 64**__)_

Another shot, now fired by Watson, hit his leg _(How are they reloading flintlocks this fast? __**Sin Count: 65**__)_. They were trying to keep him busy taking care of his wounds. He hadn't been a Vampire for long, so it was tough for him to ignore the pain. Lestrade had covered his wound, so Edward wasn't driven by an incontrollable thirst anymore _(Any real vampire would be able to smell that blood even when the wound was covered. __**Sin Count: 66**__)_. He wasn't a killing machine anymore, and that left him in a big disadvantage against the great detective and his allies.

"I would like to thank you for being so kind as to inform us of how to kill you," Holmes took off his hat, in a sarcastic gesture of appreciation. _(Holmes would know that to kill a vampire he would just need to jam a stake in his heart. He's Sherlock Holmes, he knows everything. __**Sin Count: 67**__)_

Edward was paralyzed. The man still didn't show any signs of fear. That desperate situation, mere humans like him would normally be crying in a corner. But not him. Reloading his pistol, he took another shot, not allowing Edward to fully recover from his last wound _(Again, how is he reloading so fast? __**Sin Count: 68**__)_.

"Watson, Lestrade," Holmes shouted, "wait for my signal. Keep walking towards the door, and keep shooting him. We are bound to run out of ammunition _(Or he might recover in the time it should take you to reload your gun. __**Sin Count: 69**__)_. We can't keep this up. Watson, take a step back, and fire your gun. Lestrade, take two steps back, and fire your gun. I will take three steps back, and fire mine. Repeat that until we get to the door.

Both Lestrade and Watson shook their heads affirmatively _(Shaking your head means no, next time nod so I know you understand. __**Sin Count: 70**__)_. They were clearly afraid, but followed Holmes without questioning. Edward did nothing, half impressed, half still trying to heal his multiple gunshot wounds. Bang. A step back. Repeat. Two minutes later, they finally got to the door.

"All of us, at once! Fire!"

The gunshots all hit Edward at once. Carefully timed gunshots couldn't kill him _(They SHOULD be able to. __**Sin Count: 71**__)_, but could delay him long enough for them to escape. They were probably out of bullets now. Edward could run after them, and was going to _(So NOW you're willing to show off your powers? __**Sin Count: 72**__)_. But then, as broke the door _(I'm guessing you mean as HE broke the door __**Sin Count: 73**__) _down in order to chase them, he saw lots of blood in the floor. He could tell by the smell. It was Sherlock's blood. He had shot himself in order to distract Edward _(If he shot himself he'd probably hear the shot. __**Sin Count: 74**__)_. And he did distract him. Edward couldn't leave the house, until he had drunken his blood. It tasted different from what he had previously encountered _(Why!? __**Sin Count: 75**__)_.

Five minutes later, he was chasing them. The doctor should have closed their wounds… And he could still smell the blood _(You mean "because" he chould still smell the blood, not "and"__** Sin Count: 76**__)_. They must have carefully left some blood randomly around the city. Holmes was amazing. He had deduced that Edward was able to smell the blood and left fake clues in order to delay him. _(I get that he's Sherlock, but he, Watson and Lestrade are just three guys, how did they do all this in five minutes? __**Sin Count: 77**__)_

"Where are you? Where are you?" Edward shouted. "Holmes! Holmes! Show yourself!"

But no one answered. One or other human in the streets looked surprised, maybe afraid, but just ignored him. He used his superspeed to chase Holmes and his friends around the city _(Congratulations, now countless people have seen you use your powers. __**Sin Count: 78**__)_, but the fake clues were placed perfectly. It took him a long time to find him, but he did. He finally found Holmes alone in a street. No signs of Lestrade and Watson.

"So, you decided to sacrifice yourself to save your friends? Noble," Edward chuckled.

"I don't believe in sacrifice," Holmes replied proudly, "I just want to talk."

So it had come down to that. Even that human had human limits. He was just going to try to make Edward give up chasing them. Pathetic little human. _(Make up your mind, is he pathetic or great? __**Sin Count: 79**__)_

"The man you killed was a noble man," Holmes started, "he fought an entire criminal organization in order to save his wife. And you killed him."  
Edward was not dazzled. _(He's just not that into you Holmes, he's more into boring, underage girls who can't act. __**Sin Count: 80**__)_

"You have a curious way of begging for your life, Mr. Holmes."

"I am not begging. I am asking you a question. Do you feel sorry you killed him?"_ (Didn't he already say he didn't care? __**Sin Count: 81**__)_  
Edward took a step back. He wasn't sure why. There was something about Sherlock that scared him _(HOW!? __**Sin Count: 82**__)_. Was he, sorry he killed him? That was a tough question. He did what was fair. Only that. Killing a cold blooded murderer. Right?

"I do not regret killing that man."

"I see. What a pity."  
"Why?" Edward asked, not being able to hide the curiosity in his voice.

"Because I was thinking of giving you a second chance," Holmes said simply. _(F*cking WHY? He murdered a dude in cold blood, has expressed no remorse and tried to kill you and your friends. Kill him already! __**Sin Count: 83**__)_

"You? Giving me a second chance?" Edward said. "I am the one who has the upper hand here!"

"WRONG!" Holmes shouted as he snapped his fingers.

Edward heard the sound of gunshots, coming in his direction. At least twenty police officers were shooting him from all directions _(Not only should Edward be dead, but any officers who missed should have hit their fellows with this tactic. __**Sin Count: 84**__)_. He was cornered. And Holmes took a step back, getting behind the officers, so that he wouldn't be hit. Edward couldn't run. It was a perfect trap _(You could always kill them if you're still in that blood rage. __**Sin Count: 85**__)_. First, Holmes got him into a hunter mindset. He made him accept nothing short of killing him. Then, after making him think that he had the upper hand, and that nothing could go wrong, he took the control of the situation back. It all happened fast enough so that it didn't even occur to Edward that he should run away. _(Sherlock is smarter than you. Deal with it. __**Sin Count: 86**__)_

"D...Damn you." Edward exclaimed, his body covered by gunshot wounds.

"Now, rip you apart, and then set you on fire was it?" Holmes asked, taking out a rapier. _(Or just jam a wooden stake in his heart. __**Sin Count: 87**__) (Also, you're not going to cut him to pieces with a rapier. __**Sin Count: 88**__)_

"NO!" Edward shouted, filled with chagrin. "Please don't!"

It was the first time in his Vampire life he felt like that. He couldn't move. He couldn't heal that fast, and they were shooting him again as soon as the wounds began to heal. He felt, for the first time, vulnerable.

"Why, why did I lose?" Edward screamed, desperate for an answer. "I am a Vampire! You are just a human!"

"No, Edward. You got it backwards. I am a human. You are just a vampire."

It was at that moment that Edward understood. He had misjudged him. A little voice inside of his head screamed He's just a mere mortal! Kill him! but Edward knew better. There was nothing mere about that mortal.

Holmes took a step towards Edward, with the fencing sword in his hand. It was a matter of time now. MOVE! The little voice inside Edward's head shouted. Your legs, ARMS, ANYTHING! MOVE! RUN! But he couldn't. The timed shots kept coming, preventing him to heal enough to run. It was a perfect checkmate. He had been completely defeated.

"Goodbye, Edward," Holmes said calmly as he lifted his sword, ready to deliver the final blow. _(By your logic, you'd still need to cut him up and burn him, so unless Holmes is going to take my advice and jam the sword in his heart, that's not the final blow. __**Sin Count: 89**__)_

Edward wasn't sure if a sword was enough to kill him, but it didn't matter. Even if his skin was strong enough to survive the cut _(something rapiers don't do. __**Sin Count: 90**__)_, Holmes would just come back with a stronger weapon. Even though his opponent was just a human _(I thought we decided he wasn't "just" a human. __**Sin Count: 91**__)_, Edward's mind was filled with nothing but a simple, yet absolute thought.

There is nothing that can defeat this man.

He closed his eyes, ready to accept his demise. But he didn't die. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes. Holmes was smiling at him, still pointing his rapier at the young vampire.

"That man you killed was no saint. He killed many people to protect his wife, and that is unforgivable. Killing, no matter the motive, is a horrible crime."

Edward didn't say anything; he just kept staring at him hoping that he would spare his life.

"But I was willing to give him a second chance. I was going to do everything I could, to keep him from being hanged. I say, everyone deserves a second chance."

"G…Give me one," Edward begged, struggling to say anything at all while being hit by another round of bullets. _(Why in the name of all that is holy do you deserve one? You've killed several people, you've drained their blood, and you nearly killed Holmes. Add to that the fact that you ruined vampires and I'm running low on reasons Holmes shouldn't kill you. Let's just give this a sin for each of those. __**Sin Count: 95**__)_

Holmes looked at him. The vampire was now at his mercy. He could kill him right there. Edward was lying on the ground, not able to stand up. Holmes got down and came closer to him.

"Run," Holmes whispered. "I will give you this one chance. Don't kill ever again. Protect people if you can. If you break this promise –And I will know if you do– I will hunt you down, and kill you. Do you understand?

Holmes took a step back, so that he wouldn't be hit by another round of bullets which once again hit Edward, then got closer to him. _(No matter what Holmes decides to do, the amount of bullets fired into Edward should have torn him to shreds by now. He should be dead right now. __**Sin Count: 96**__)_

"Please," Edward begged, "I swear never to hurt another human soul. Not even a criminal."

Holmes smiled. That was the last time Edward ever saw him smiling. Holmes got up, and screamed at the top of his lungs.

"HE IS RECOVERING! RUN!"

Lestrade, Watson and the officers ran away, obviously afraid of Edward. Holmes command was enough to make them run. Though they were obeying him, they still had doubts about his plan. _(After everything he's done, all the people he's killed or hurt, all the times he's threatened you personally, and everything else he's done, Sherlock decides to be a complete imbecile and let Edward live. This is ten sins easily. __**Sin Count: 106**__)_

"They should be back with more officers in ten minutes. Can you recover by then?" Holmes asked, without even bothering to look at Edward.

"I can do it in five." Edward answered, trying to sound as confident as he could.

Holmes didn't say anything else. He didn't even turn back. He just disappeared into the night, while Edward was left there, lying in the ground, trying to heal his wounds. He eventually ran away, when he had enough strength to do so, and went back to his father. His memories of that day would never fade. He was saved. A mere human, no, a great human who completely defeated him, decided to spare his life. He could have killed him _(And he should have. __**Sin Count: 107**__)_, but he let him live. And he honored his promise, even years after Sherlock's death. Though afraid of Holmes, Edward couldn't help but admire him. Though his name sent a chill down his spine, he couldn't help but hope, that maybe, one day, he will be as impressive and strong as Sherlock Holmes. _(No Edward. You will never be anywhere near Sherlock. __**Sin Count: 108**__)_

_**The Rant:**_

Well, despite the fact that this is quite possibly one of the least terrible works to ever be born out of Twilight, it completely falls apart at the end. While I enjoyed every moment of Edward getting owned by Sherlock, when the supposedly brilliant detective Holmes decides to _**SPARE **_a confessed killer, bloodthirsty monster in one, he went from genius to complete and total ignoramus in one second. Some people don't deserve a second chance, and Sherlock Holmes should know that Edward Cullen was one of those people. The story aside from that was not bad, in fact, as I said, I enjoyed several parts of it, but at that ending segment, all possible enjoyment was murdered as brutally as Edwards victims who, as I mentioned, are not getting any measure of justice thanks to detective Holmes. Nice going.

_**STORY SIN TALLY: 108**_

_**SENTENCE...**_

_**Rip it to shreds and burn it to ashes!**_

_(Gunshots will only immobilize it!)_

**Just a short note to end the chapter on, I received some messages after the first chapter from people saying they thought I was insulting Christians when I reviewed Harry Potter Turns to the Lord. Allow me to clear up something: No I did not mean any offense to Christians. I have no hatred for the average Christian, it's just the fundamentalist who rail against everything that isn't them (cough Westboro Baptist Church unconvincing cough) that I don't like. The rest of you, you guys are cool.**


	4. Cupcakes (DAM)

**Warning: **This story is incredibly disturbing, I would have uploaded this much sooner but my computer broke down and I have to read and review it...AGAIN! Do not read this if you have an extreme fandom of MLP or a weak stomach. You have been **fairly** warned. Also, I will go no darker than this story per Zivon and my own requests, things like Agony in Pink will never be reviewed...unless we feel we're at a place where we won't get banned.

The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day. The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be. **(Yes, and I'm busy wasting my time on a poor plot materialization. Sin Count: 1)** All, except Rainbow Dash. **(Really...that's a horse name? Sin Count: 3)** Her place was in the sky. She freely tore through the air, speeding one way and the next. She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind. The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children. **(Maybe they're hoping it ends with a smear on the ground. Sin Count: 4.** Climbing several hundred feet, she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive. **(That won't last. Sin Count: 5.) **

Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. **(Another terribly childish pony name? Sin Count: 8.) **She'd gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.

Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. **(That's where horse prostitutes meet and get paid in, what else, sugar cubes. Sin Count: 9.)** She didn't say why or what they'd be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.** (A dramatic reenactment of Mister Hands? Sin Count: 10.)** She wasn't sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying. But, Dash's conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie's feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them.** (Two horses, one trough? Sin Count: 11.)** She considered it and thought "why not." What did she have to lose? **(From what I've read on know your meme, A LOT! Sin Count: 12.)** Heck, it might be more pranking. Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks. They'd so much fun the last time. **(Mind telling us what it was? Destroying a handicap ramp? Slashing someone's tires? Denying the Holocaust? Burning the Koran? WHAT?! Sin Count: 13.) **Dash kicked it into overdrive, mostly to make for lost time, and sped to her appointment. **(Alright, this raises two questions, how does this bird/horse fly faster and, for that matter, how the hell does Superman fly faster? Sin Count: 14.)**

When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement.

"Yay, you're here, you're here. I've been waiting allll day." Said the jumping pony.

"Sorry if I'm a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time." Dash apologized.

Pinkie giggled and responded, her tone gleefully reassuring, "Oh that's ok, you're here now. What's a few more minutes. I've been sooooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we're gonna do, I haven't stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breath I've been so happy." **(No please, stop breathing, I can't stand this already it's so dull and boring. Sin Count: 15.)**

Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She always appreciated Pinkie's friendly, outgoing way of life, but her overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. **(Run, bitch, RUUUUUUUUUUUUN! Sin Count: 16.)** Dash was polite, however. If Pinkie was got this worked up, then it must good; whatever it was.

"So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I've got everything all ready." The pink one said.

Dash psyched herself up. " You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I've been thinking about. Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…" **(Take your sunshine bullshit...horseshit and blow it out your ass. Sin Count: 17.)**

"MAKING CUPCAKES!" Pinkie happily announced. **(...Really? If I wanted to see a horse give itself diabetes, I'd watch Sarah Jessica Parker eat a cupcake. Sin Count: 18.)**

"Baking"? Dash was disappointed. "Pinkie, you know I'm not good baking. Remember the last time?" **(Where was your last job, I'm no brony, let me know what happened or I'll just assume terrible things?! Did she work at Dachau? Aushwitz? WHERE?! Sin Count: 19.)**

"Oh that's not a problem at all. I only need your help making them. I'll be doing most of the work." Pinkie explained.

Dash thought for about it for a second and replied, "Well, alright, I guess that's ok. What exactly do need me to do"? **(Make this more interesting, I still have 7 PAGES TO GO! Sin Count: 20.)**

"That's the spirit. Here you go." Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.

Dash was puzzled "I thought I was helping you bake."

"You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.

"So, is this like taste testing or something?"

"Sorta" Pinkie said. **(She is eating a single cupcake to see how it is, that's taste testing you dipshit! Sin Count: 21.)**

Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad. **(Wow, that was such an essential part of the plot it had to be shared. Sin Count: 22.)**

"Ok, now what?" Dash asked.

"Now," Pinkie informed "You take a nap." **(Wat?)**

Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded. Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor. **(The fuck is this, My Little Centipede? Sin Count: 23.)**

When Dash regained conciseness, she found herself in a dark room. **(I can't ignore this terrible grammar, 5 sins. Sin Count: 28.) **She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks. **(Wait, why'd the narrative increase dramatically? Oh you sick...10 sins! Sin Count: 38).** Her legs were spread wide apart. **(No, please, if I wanted to see horse rape, I'd go watch Mr. Hands. Sin Count: 43.)** The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.

"Goodie, you're awake. Now we can get started." She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth. **(Is this cupcakes with a show? Before I make this pastry we'll engage in some torture porn! Cin Count: 44.)**

"Pinkie, what's going on? I can't move!" Dash said in a worry. **(No shit, Sherlock! Sin Count: 45.)**

"Well, duh, you're tied down." Pinkie chided "That's why you can't move. I didn't think you needed to told that." **(That's what I thought, but apparently this is the Special Ed Rejects version of MLP. Sin Count: 50.)**

"But why? What's happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes."

"You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more." **(Correction, this is Pony Cannibal Holocaust. Sin Count: 51.)**

"Special ingredient"? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. "What special ingredient"? **(Let's see, you are strapped down, she has a bunch of covered objects, and it is dark, my guess is you're making glow in the dark cupcakes. Sin Count: 56.)**

Pinkie giggled and responded "You, silly." **(You grammar silly. Sin Count: 57.)**

Dash's eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh "Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I'm gonna get made to a cupcake. I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you're the best." **(Please, please let this be a prank!)**

Pinkie giggled even more. "Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven't done pranks today, so I can't accept your praise." **(How does this go from a step above baby talk to a more sophisticated conversation? Sin Count: 62.)**

Dash was struggling again. "Pinkie, come on, this isn't funny." **(I checked, this is not a humor story. Do you honestly think this is a prank still, I'd be convinced I'm screwed as soon as I see I'm STRAPPED DOWN WITH MY LEGS SPLAYED! Sin Count: 67.)**

"Then why were you laughing"? Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready. There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them. **(Called it! Also, how is a horse going to grab an onject, it has no fingers last time I checked...or do they in this universe? Bronies, help me out here. Sin Count: 72.)**

Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing and she tried to reason with the pink pony. "You can't do this Pinkie! I'm your friend!" **(Wow, reasoning with someone who's already gone beyond the point of no return, strong move! Sin Count: 73.)**

"I know you are and that's why I'm so happy it's that I've got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me." She was skipping again. **(That is the most fucked up thing I've heard since...I can't even think of a joke! Sin Count: 83.)**

"But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they'll come looking for me and then you'll get found out." Dash was desperate. **(Your super powers include flying and parting the clouds...boys, we just found a new Avenger! Sin Count: 84.)**

"Oh, Dash" Pinkie said "don't worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I've been doing this?" And with that the lights suddenly came to life and showcased the rest the room. **(Let me get this straight, you are a serial killer, and your best friend doesn't even know about it...Yep, totally possible. Sin Count: 89.)**

"Oh god, no" Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her. **(Hey, blasphemy in a kids show. Sin Count: 90.)** The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs. The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her. The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom's classmate. Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words "Life is a party" were scrawled in red. **(OH...MY...GOD...WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD?! This is one of the most vivid things I've ever read, and it's for all the wrong reasons! 20 Sins for you and 5 for me. Sin Count: 110. DAM Sin Count: 4,000,000,005.)**

Dash's attention was stolen by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of her. The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all different colors. As she skipped in excitement, her necklace of unicorn horns loudly clacked together. **(Oh, that's nasty! Bronies, what the hell is a cutie mark, leave it in the reviews?! Sin Count: 120.)**

"Like it"? She asked "I made it myself." **(Really, I thought your mom ordered it for your birthday? Sin Count: 121.)**

Dash pleaded. "Pinkie please, I'm sorry if I did anything to you. I didn't mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won't tell anybody." **(Yeah, that always works. Sin Count: 122.)**

"Oh Dash, you didn't do anything. It's just that your number came up and, well, I don't make rules. We can't turn back now." **(Nope, this is The Pony Lottery.)**

Rainbow Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening? **(Because MLP fanfics are usually the most fucked up.)**

"Aww don't be sad Dash" Pinkie said "Look this'll cheer you up. I brought you a friend."

Out of seemingly nowhere, Pinkie displayed a blue and yellow painted skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak. **(Wait, a legit horse/bird?)**

Dash was freaking out. "Is…is that…is…that?" **(t-t-TODAY JUNIOR! Sin Count: 123.)**

"Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs." Pinkie mimicked. "I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn't enough time to play with her of course, I had to wait till after the party to do that. But boy am I glad I did. It was worth for the flavor alone.** (Holy shit, she is eating them! Sin Count: 128.)** Griffons taste like two animals at once, it's amazing. **(Oh really, you don't say?! Sin Count: 129.)** I know she didn't have number like everyone else in Ponville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try a griffon. I hindsight, I probably should have asked where she came from so I can get more, but I forgot. I'll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. Lasted a long time, which was fun for me, I got chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It's too bad she had such a potty mouth. She said so much bad stuff, I had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Dash." **(WHAT...THE...ACTUAL...FUCK! I'm pretty sure bad words are the least of what you deserve. Sin Count: 134.)**

Dash didn't have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed. **(Sounds just like my Senior Prom, haha, I'm here all week folks!)**

"Well" Pinkie said, putting the skull down" that's enough reminiscing, it's time to begin." She picked up a scalpel and walked over to Dash's right flank. Without any flair, she placed the blade an inch above her cutie mark and started a circular cut around it. Her lungs working overtime, Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away. But the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed the curved skinning knife from the tray. She worked it under the skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched as her flesh came off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and completed the other flank. Once she was done, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms. Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned. **(... Sin Count: 149.)**

Placing the skin down, Pinkie selected the large butcher knife and walked behind Rainbow Dash.

"Hope you don't mind, I think I'm gonna wing it now. " Pinkie laughed. **(Really...as if the story wasn't bad enough, now shitty puns. Sin Count: 150.) **She grabbed the left one and played with it for a second. Then, stretching the wing out, she brought the blade down at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage. The movement threw off Pinkie Pies aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed wide and put a huge slice in Rainbow's back. **(Someone call MarleyTucker, I think we're about to lose the Brutality Face-Off. Sin Count: 151.)**

"Dash, you gotta stay still or I'll keep missing." **(Oh, well when you put it like that, EXCUSE MY ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE TORTURE! Sin Count: 156.)**

She took another whack and hit the target. She swung again and again, blood spraying into the air, but realized she wasn't getting anywhere. The blade just wasn't going through the bone. **(You've got to be kidding me. Sin Count: 157.)**

"Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I'll try something else." She stated as she tossed the knife over her shoulder; the blade embedding itself in the table.

The crying Rainbow Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing.

"Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn't hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don't get it." **(This is literally starting to annoy me with the retareded puns and wisdom so shallow it snapped Christopher Reeves' neck when he dove into it. Sin Count: 162.)**

Pinkie placed the tool over the last attempt. It effortlessly sailed through the bone and skin. The painful feeling of the teeth grinding biting into her made Dash want to vomit. **(I'm not a squeamish person, but god damn! Sin Count: 163.)** She watched helplessly as her wing flew over her head and land with a fluff on the table. Pinkie moved the next and started sawing. Dash didn't struggle this time; she'd given up trying to fight and just cried. **(Another prom rape joke, anybody?)** Then the sawing abruptly paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by only a sliver.

"Hey Dash" she piped up "think fast" **(What, are you going to smack her with her own wing, comedy gold! Sin Count: 164.)**

Suddenly, she yanked the wing as hard as sure could. The bone snapped but the skin held tight. The pull ripped a long strip flesh down Dash's back to her rump. The unexpected trauma caused her body seize. She felt the warm release between legs as her pelvis tensed up. Dash's loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out. **(JESUS CHRIST!...I literally threw up in my mouth! That's like when you have a piece of skin hanging off the back of you fingernail and you rip it off and it won't break and it turns into a bloody stinging mess. 20 Sins! Sin Count: 184.)**

She awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils. **(Correction, this is now R-Kelly: Rated MLP.)** She saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing the adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out. **(What are you pissed off about you c...I need to stop cussing at the internet. Sin Count: 185.)**

"Didn't anybody teach you any manners? It's very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would like if I came over to your house and went to sleep. "Oh I'm sorry Dash, you're boring, I think I'll take a nap." You think I like always doing this by myself. I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have to a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You've got to be inconsiderate. You know, I thought you were tough, I thought you could handle anything. I've had foals stand up better than you. Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?" **(That's it, who ever wrote this story is completely insane, lock them up now! Sin Count: 195.)**

She stopped to catch her breath. Dash blinked and softly cried. Her back was on fire.

Pinkie then popped something red into her mouth and began to chew. She noticed Dash was staring at her.

"What?" she asked. "Oh this?" Holding up another piece. "Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself sample. I got it from your leg, you're not bad. Wanna try some"? **(What...I can't even...Sin Count: 200.)**

Without waiting for a response, she shoved the strip of meat into the revolted Rainbow Dash's mouth. She immediately spit it out. Pinkie picked up. "if you didn't want it, you could have said no." She then ate the discarded snotty morsel. "It's not like you haven't had it before." **(That's just like that scene in Hannibal where the guy eats his own brain. Also, I just threw up in my throat this time. Sin Count: 215.)**

Swallowing, she turned her attention to the small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with burning coals. **(Oh God, please, no more!) **Sitting on top of the fire were several large nails. **(Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! Sin Count: 230.)** Dash began to panic again. Pinkie picked up the can and walked over to Dash's left. Carefully picking up a nail and grabbing a hammer, she positioned the spike at the seam between her leg and her hoof.

"No! Pinkie NO!" Dash screamed. "NO! NO!" **(For once, I agree, reason with it!)**

The hammer came down and the nail punctured under her skin. The white hot burning was too much. Dash pulled and thrashed at the brace, her skin rubbed and tore. **(Stop, just stop! Sin Count: 240.) **Pinkie tried to line up another one, but couldn't find her aim. She let out a frustrated grunt. When she pulled the hammer back to take a wild swing, Dash burst out crying and begging.

"PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!"

Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting hammer back down, she walked back in front of her friend. She stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn't even cry this much when she stuck that live parasprite down her throat. **(A WHAT?!)** Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next. Then there was a sudden spark in her imagination. She grabbed the gear wheel on the rack and laid Rainbow Dash on her back. She moved to Dash's hind legs, bringing the can with her. Pinkie picked up the hammer again and she drove a searing piece of metal into the bottom of Dash's hoof. Dash screamed again: Pinkie put one into the other hoof. **(Wait, depending on length, that should hurt here. Sin Count: 241.) **Next she located the small generator on the tray. **(No, just stop Pol Pony, dammit now I'm doing stupid puns! Sin Count: 251.) **Tying the copper wires to the nails, she gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch. Electricity rocketed through Dash's body. The blue pony reacted immediately; body seized, muscles struck taut. Her hips thrust skyward and her eyes rolled back. She let out a deep, throat shredding cry. Pinkie giggled and danced in place. She turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably. Her bladder emptied once more. **(I give up on society at this point, this is the worst thing I've ever read...and still three pages to go! Sin Count: 261.)**

After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. The area smelled lightly of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. She put Dash upright again and tried snap the delirious and drooling pony to back to attention.

"Dash. Daaash. Wake up." Rainbow Dash managed to give her a modicum of weak acknowledgment.

Pinkie reached into the medicine bag and produced and large syringe. "Alright, time for the last round" **(Yes, there is a God, thank you!)**

Dash looked at the needle and Pinkie took that as a question as to what it was.

"Something to take the pain away" she informed as she walked around to Dash's ruined back side. She stuck the needle into the lower part of her spine. Dash flinched.** (You can't feel it, how bad can it be...I just jinxed myself, didn't I?)**

Coming to the front again, she told her friend, "In a few minutes, you won't be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you'll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest." **(*Opens eyes was wide as possible* Now that is fucked up. Sin Count: 262.)**

Dash started to cry again. "Pinkie" she trembled out.

"Yeah?"

"I want to go home." Dash openly sobbed. **(Serious, far beyond too late my horsey. Sin Count: 263.)**

"Yeah, I can see wanting to do that." The party pony replied. "Sometimes, I just wanna give up, say "I'm done with this mess" and go to bed. But you know what; you can't shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That's to the only way you're gonna get ahead in life." **(Your logic gave me cancer. Sin Count: 264.)**

Dash cried.

Minutes passed and the drug took affect. Dash was numb from her chest to her flanks. Aware of this, Pinkie approached with her scalpel. With only a smiling glance to Dash, she made a long cut across her pelvis just above her crotch. Moving up her body, she drew a similar incision under her ribs. One final cut was made down her stomach, connecting the first two. **(She is getting dissected like a frog...folks, this story has everything! Sin Count: 265.)**

"Looks like I got my I on you, Dash." **(Just stop. Sin Count: 266. Also, bonus round, every pun equals double the sin.)**

With a moist, gooey sound, the new door flapped opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash's breathing to intensify. Pinkie sliced open the abdominal sac and grabbed the large intestines. (**I'll give this sick bastard this, he knows his anatomy.**) Separating it from the rest of the digestive tract and pulling them from the forming cavity, Pinkie was getting jovial and starting making jokes. **(What did I just say?! Sin Count: 267.)** Dash, growing weaker from the new source of blood loss, tried to shut out the comedy act. Pinkie was laughing. **(I'm pretty sure you'd die instantly from getting your intestines pulled out. Sin Count: 268.)**

"Look at me, I'm Rarity!" she said, slinging the tube around her neck and spreading blood in all directions. "Isn't my new scarf soooo pretty"? **(The fuck is a rarity? Also, I detect puns! Sin Count: 270.)**

Reaching back in, she cut the smaller intestine off the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed it through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. "Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash." **(...That's beyond fucked up. Plus a pun. Sin Count: 275.)**

Rainbow Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Pinkie got disappointed. Diving back into the guts, she ramped up her routine.

"Aw, don't go yet Dash." She started pulling out the rest of the organs, stopping at each one. "I know I can be a real painaceas, (**Sin Count: 283.**) but you know I'm just kidney with you. (**Sin Count: 299.**) You really got to learn to liver it up. (**Sin Count: 331.**) Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. **(Sin Count: 395.)** Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them." (**Sin Count: 523.**) She placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. "Ooo, bagpipes." (**Sin Count: 779.**) she said, placing the tube in her mouth and the organ in her armpit. A spurt of acid hit her tongue. "Eww. Oh hey, there's your cupcake, Dash." (**Sorry, I'm back. I ran to my toilet to dry heave, 20 sins! Sin Count: 799.**)

Dash, didn't hear her. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not satisfied yet, hit her with another adrenaline shot. **(Nope, this is Pulp Pony. How is she grabbing all of this shit, SHE HAS NO HANDS! Sin Count: 800.)** Dash woke up for the last time, her heart jumping. Her blood flowed out faster; it wouldn't be long now. **(Praise Jesus, it's almost over! Otherwise, how is she still alive?! Sin Count: 801.)**

Pinkie put Dash on her down her back and straddled her chest, scalpel at the ready. **(I guess you could say she's riding her *puts on sunglasses* cowgirl. YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!)**

"Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I'm disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it's my fault, I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well, it was really was nice knowing you, Dash". **(I'll see you in hell too, you pink...I can't believe how angry this story is making me! Sin Count: 802.)**

The blade sunk into the blue one's throat and worked its way up her chin. Coming back down, it circled around her neck. The last thing Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, the metal scraping her teeth. **(I have never cringed so hard in my life. Sin Count: 812.)**

Then she was gone. **(Lucky.)**

Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She did a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.

But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. It only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as she wanted. She looked back the cadaver hanging there in the center of the room, the last of its fluids draining in to the pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash. **(Well, let's see: you stabbed her, slashed her, mutilated her, electrocuted her, flayed her, took out her organs, and ripped her face off, sounds like anyone could live through that to me, too. Sin Count: 822.)**

Then Pinkie cocked her head. She was starting to take notice of the fact that there really wasn't that much damage. "It fact", she began to think "I think…." An idea exploded in her head. She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do put her back together. **(You've got to be shitting me. Sin Count: 827.)** Yeah, just get some stuffing and bingo, she'd have Rainbow Dash forever. **(This is like how Maori eat people to disrespect them, just thought I'd point that out.)** In fact, that's what she'd do for all her friends when their numbers came up. **(Wait, SEQUELS?! Sin Count: 847.)** She was so excited, she skipped over to the body with the skinner to get started. The cupcakes can wait; Pinkie had a friend to make. **(This is not how you make friends. Also, that was a pun! Sin Count: 1,359.)**

Silver Spoon suddenly woke up. **(THERE'S MORE! Sin Count: 1,360.)** She was on her back and couldn't move. She couldn't see. Where was she? Freaking out, she was just about to scream when the pony from the bakery appeared in front of her.

"HI!" she giggled

"Where am I, what's going on"? The frightened little foal asked. **(Wait, this is a kid!? Sin Count: 1,380.)**

"Oh, well, you see, your number came up and I gotta make cupcakes." Pinkie explained.

"W…wha….what does that mean. What are you talking about"? **(You gon' get raped. Sin Count: 1,381.)**

"Oh, nothing. I wouldn't worry it if I was you. It'll be over soon." She approached the girl, scalpel at the ready when a small voice called out from behind. **(A voice of reason!?)**

"Miss Pinkie, what are you doing"?

She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom. The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face. Silver Spoon started to feel relived. **(Thank God, it's over, she's caught!)**

"Ah can't believe your doing this." She pouted. "you said this one was gonna be mine. **(WHAT! WHAT THE FUCK! Sin Count: 1,391.)**

Pinkie apologized "Oops, sorry about that, guess I got forgot. Here you go." She handed the blade over. **(That's it, this pink horse is Kony, you know that thing that was a hippie bandwagon a couple years ago and now no one gives a shit. Sin Count: 1,396.)**

Apple Bloom climbed on the table and stood over her prey. Silver Spoon tried to struggle. She stared in fear at Apple Bloom and her apron. The pink apron with a shiny tiara on it. Silver Spoon started to cry. **(I hate this so much. Sin Count: 1,397.)**

Apple Bloom grinned and open her mouth "Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank"? **(I read the whole thing and, since I have OCD, three sins! Sin Count: 1,400)**

**The Rant:**

I'm going to start this rant off with nearly every review about this, "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT D:?!" I can't believe I forced myself to read this, and I laughed my ass off at one point! First, let's start with the author, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You have written the most disturbing thing I've ever read purely for your own pleasure. Seriously, someone find this guy before he commits a school shooting. And they'll go on his computer and find he used FanFiction, so Fox News and all of its pompous, retarded glory can hop on its high horse and blame everything but he right thing. Then the content, it was amazingly vivid for all the wrong reasons! I laughed and almost vomited on several occasions. I've heard, smelled, tasted, touched, and seen things that made me nearly puke, but never have I read something that does that! I feel like I was just raped, I honestly feel filthy. To put things into perspective, let's compare badfics. My Immortal, what I considered the worst grammar and plot-wise, is like George W. Bush, illiterate, a mistake, and half-retarded. Cupcakes is like Suddam Hussein, completely without conscious, insane, and a threat waiting to blow up in someone's face. Now, for something I have not nor will I ever read, Agony in Pink. From what I've read on Know Your Meme, it is the Caligula of badfics, immoral, perverted, and complete garbage. I totally underestimated how bad Cupcakes will be, now I see how wrong I was. I also underestimated Agony in Pink, which is supposed to be much worse, so nope, never gonna happen.

**Total Sin Count:**

1,400

**Sentence:**

Exiled to the most barren, dreaded place in all the land. (4chan.) Better yet, we give Mr. Hands a Viagra and leave you two kids alone.

**Next Time: It's a medley of the most poorly written fanfictions of all time:**

**Half-Life: Full Life Consequences complete series.**

**And**

**Doom: Repercussions of Evil**


	5. Halo: Halos in Space (Zivon)

_**EVERYTHING**_

_**WRONG**_

_**WITH**_

Halo: Halos in Space

_**(In 3 pages or less)**_

Joe Chief _(Joe Chief. __**Sin Count: 1**__)_ was in space _(I'm just going to assume he's on a ship. __**Sin Count: 2**__)_and had wepons and was a army guy _(What kind of 'army guy' was he? Was he a marine? ODST? Navy? What? __**Sin Count: 3**__) _but he wasnt a robot liek Master Chief so he didnt fly _(Master Chief isn't a robot, he's an augmented super soldier. Now some of you could tell me his augmentations are robotic, to which I will reply, he's still human. __**Sin Count: 4**__) (Also, since when does Master Chief fly? __**Sin Count: 5**__)_. Joe Chief was one day in a place and shooting wepon at targits _(I'll assume he's at the target range on whatever ship he's probably on since the author will in no way tell you anything more than this. __**Sin Count: 6**__)_ and then got a call on the space tv _(Space tv. __**Sin Count: 7**__) _in the ship that said to him "JOE CHIEF ALIENS ARE SHOTING AT SHIP COME HERE QUICK" _(Who the hell promoted this guy to anything even resembling command? __**Sin Count: 8**__) _so he went. _(Where? __**Sin Count: 9**__)_

Joe Chief ran fast there _(WHERE? __**Sin Count: 10**__) _to where bullets were from aliens and took out his wepons and shot at space to hit ships _(What kind of weapon could he possibly be holding that would pose any sort of threat to a Covenant ship? At least, I think they're Covenant. __**Sin Count: 11**__) (Also, from what I can decipher, he's still inside the ship, so he's probably firing at the windows. __**Sin Count: 12**__)_. Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship _(How? From the hanger? Boarding pods? Explain damnit! __**Sin Count: 13**__)_so he had to do somthing quick. Joe Chief punched a alien and ran fast to get big wepon _(Bigger than something that can pose a threat to Covenant Ships? What the hell is he getting? __**Sin Count: 14**__) _from the lock room so he went there and got it and shot alien again in teh legs _(If this weapon is big enough to threaten warships, then that guy is definitely dead. __**Sin Count: 15**__) (Also, why would you try to kneecap someone when you have that kind of firepower? __**Sin Count: 16**__)_and they fell and Joe Chief shot again and killd them _(Now you're just wasting ammo. __**Sin Count: 17**__)_. Joe Chief lookd at dead aliens and said to them "Aliens we are human people and you are aliens but we dont need to kill things like us" and then pushed them into space. _(Yes, know that I want peace between our two peoples as I throw your corpses into space to freeze and be forgotten. __**Sin Count: 18**__) (Also, you and I both know you don't give a damn Joe, stop pretending like you do. __**Sin Count: 19**__)_

After teh normil aliens _(I don't know when the normil were recruited into the Covenant, hell I don't even know what they are. __**Sin Count: 20**__)_the flood came _(What? Why? How? From where? __**Sin Count: 21**__)_ and every thing got wet and messy and lightningy _(Lightningy. __**Sin Count: 22**__)_ becaus water hit teh space tv _(Space tv again. __**Sin Count: 23**__) _and all the things and made sparks. After teh aliens sent the flood _(The flood do not and have never worked for the Covenant. Why would they send them? __**Sin Count: 24**__) _other aliens with big heads came _(Who? What? Why? __**Sin Count: 25**__) _and Joe Chief had to runaway _(Sure, you have enough firepower to bring down warships, but a bunch of guys with big heads scare you. Joe Chief is a coward. __**Sin Count: 26**__)_ becaues there was to many of those and they were killing other human people on teh ship. _(Joe Chief is a dick to his comrades. __**Sin Count: 27**__)_

"Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!" _(This line. __**Sin Count: 28**__) _Joe Chief said to the human people there becaus aliens were killing them and he was in a escape ship and ready to go. 3 other human people came just in time becaus the big ship blew up _(You had enough firepower to threaten warships but you were only able to save three other guys?! You know what, that's a sin for each of them! __**Sin Count: 31**__)_ n they were flying fast in space and going to the Halo to meet the army base and get ready fo tight. _(Humans would never build a base on Halo, it's full of Flood and Sentinels, both of which would gladly kill them, and one wrong move could wipe out all galactic life! __**Sin Count: 32**__) (Also, fo tight. __**Sin Count: 33**__) (Also, you never said they were going to Halo. That's kind of important. __**Sin Count: 34**__)_

Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships _(Who for some reason aren't firing at you. __**Sin Count: 35**__) _and things _(Things like what? __**Sin Count: 36**__)_. Then out of no where BOOM happend _(Boom happend. __**Sin Count: 37**__)_and the back of the espcape ship _(Espcape ship __**Sin Count: 38**__)_ fell open n one of the army guys fell out and explodd in space then another one closed it _(Yeah, just close the destroyed half of the ship, no problem there. __**Sin Count: 39**__)_ and said "NOOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" and then got tired and slept. _(Wow, he was oddly calm before he closed the destroyed half of the ship. __**Sin Count: 40**__) (Also, this guy falls asleep right after his brother dies. This guy is a dick to brothers. __**Sin Count: 41**__)_

Joe Chief lookd a front of him and seen alien shooting at him so he did a barral roll _(Do a barral roll! __**Sin Count: 42**__) _and teh lasers went around him and went away _(That's not how lasers work. __**Sin Count: 43**__) (Also, that's not how barrel rolls work __**Sin Count: 44**__)_. Joe Chief sawd the Halo _(Did he saw right through it? __**Sin Count: 45**__)_ in Space so he put the ship faster _(Put the ship faster: __**Sin Count: 46**__)_and went there quick becaus a lot of aliens were there. Joe Chief shot like "bang bang bang" _(Shot like "bang bang bang" __**Sin Count: 47**__)_from teh ship and made aliens blow up _(Why wasn't this kind of firepower effective before with the warships? It seems he could have saved a lot of lives if he'd just turned this ship's guns on the warships. __**Sin Count: 48**__)_ and then landed ship on Halo.

Joe Chief said to teh other 2 army guys "Were here now get wepon n kill aliens fast" _(How the hell do people understand this guy?! __**Sin Count: 49**__)_so they did but when they left a ship landed and skwashed them. _(Skwashed. __**Sin Count: 50**__) (Also, Joe Chief sucks at his job. __**Sin Count: 51**__)_

Human people army guys were all dying fast _(They're already dead f*ckface! __**Sin Count: 52**__) _and Joe Chief had to save them but he didnt know how _(You can't just bring them back to life. They're dead! __**Sin Count: 53**__) _but then he saw something and went to it and piced it up and said "no we win" to himself. _(No one ever said you were losing here! Why would you say that? __**Sin Count: 54**__) (Also, what the hell did he pick up that could turn the tide of an entire battle? I'll tell you one thing though, this has definitely turned the tide of this review. __**Sin Count: 60**__)_

to be continued...? _(To be continued...? __**Sin Count: 61**__)_

**The Rant:**

This is why Halo fans can't have nice things. This is how the rest of the world sees anyone who admits to being a Halo fan: a drooling idiot who loves the stupidest, barely there stories and who runs around shooting things "like bang bang bang." Oh, but this isn't over yet, no a sequel was made to this abomination. You'll never guess what the next chapter is. Until then though...

_**STORY SIN TALLY: 61**_

_**SENTENCE...**_

_**Blast it out the airlock  
**__(To explodd in space)_


	6. Halo: Halos in Space 2 (Zivon)

_**EVERYTHING**_

_**WRONG**_

_**WITH**_

Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack

_**(In 3 pages or less)**_

Joe Chief _(Joe Chief. __**Sin Count: 1**__)___bended his leg and his other legs and lookd at big wepon _(Is this the same 'big wepon' that you fired at warships? __**Sin Count: 2**__) _and tear droped down his eyes _(Tears only come out of your eyes, then they drip down your face. __**Sin Count: 3**__) (Also, the hell are you crying about? You haven't given a single sh*t about your fellow humans, not even when they were gunned down, explosively decompressed or flattened by falling ships! That's five more sins and I haven't even finished the first paragraph! __**Sin Count: 8**__)_ and said "alien you shoot at my human people and kill and shoot at them! No more or else!" _(You better be scared, he mentioned shooting twice. __**Sin Count: 9**__) (Also, even if you surrender, I'm not sure he speaks enough English to understand it. I know for a fact that I can't decipher what the hell he's saying, so he probably can't understand you either. __**Sin Count: 10**__) _then Joe Chief grabed the wepon on his back and standed up.

All every where aliens was shooting and making booms on human people around the Halo place. _(This sentence is worth at least five sins. __**Sin Count: 15**__)___"No over there no over there!" _(What? __**Sin Count: 16**__)___a human guy said to another human guy becaus alien things are going to them _(WHAT? __**Sin Count: 17**__)_. "No we die soon!" the other human guy said back to the other human guy after. "No you dont die soon!" Joe Chief yelt back to the human guys. "Yes we do!" _(We'll die damnit! And there's nothing you can do about it! __**Sin Count 18**__)___human guys shout back. "No look" Joe Chief said then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM _(We interrupt this Halo story to bring you the Black Eyed Peas. That's a sin for every "BOOM" __**Sin Count: 22**__)___Joe Chief shot the big huge wepon _(We've upgraded from big wepon to big huge wepon. __**Sin Count: 23**__)_ that lookd like a cannon on a pirat ship but smaller and more bigger bullets _(Blackbeard rolled in his grave when that was written. __**Sin Count: 24**__) (Also, smaller gun with 'more bigger bullets.' I don't know if the bullets are only larger than cannonballs or if there are more of them, but wither way that's not possible. __**Sin Count: 25**__)_. The aliens around had no heads no more becaus the wepon blew them to teeny weeny pieces _(make up your mind, did you blow them up or decapitate them? __**Sin Count: 26**__)_. "Yes thank you Joe Chief!" both human guys said at the same time together. _(And here I thought you guys wanted to die. __**Sin Count: 27**__)_

After Joe Chief helped them he went away to helped other human guys. But right then a HUGE aliens ship _(Is it bigger than the 'big huge wepon?' __**Sin Count: 28**__)_ droppd down from teh space skies _(First space tv, now space skies. __**Sin Count: 28**__)_. Joe Chief tryed shootin big booms _(Shooting big booms. __**Sin Count 29**__)___at it but no thing happend cus aliens ship had a lightningy _(Lightningy again. __**Sin Count: 30**__)_ thing on it that made booms blow up to fast _(This lightningy thing can blow up your explosions quickly.__** Sin Count: 31**__)_. Joe Chief said "What!? How when i have this wepon i cant kill big alien ship?! Now I have no bullets!" _(I'm pretty sure you were firing explosives though, and they could work on warships before. __**Sin Count: 32**__) (Also, great strategy there Joe, loudly announcing to the enemy that you're out of ammo. __**Sin Count: 33**__)___and he yelled it really loud. Joe Chief jumpd over dead aliens with no head really fast to get to big wepon place _(If the big huge wepon didn't work, what makes you think a regular big one will have any effect at all? __**Sin Count: 34**__)_. It wasnt there but Joe Chief said "hurry!" then it came on the ground becaus wepons get born in Halo Town from some place you cant see _(Yes, the walls spawn big wepons in Halo Town, and all you have to do is yell at them to do so. I wonder why Master Chief didn't think of this. __**Sin Count: 35**__) (Also, Halo Town. __**Sin Count: 36**__)_. When Joe Chief was puttin it on his back again the aliens ship saw him and punchd a button to make missil come from it to go to Joe Chief. It blew up every place and Joe Chief but Joe Chief had a shield but it was all gone after _(Rockets in Halo will kill you, shield and all. So no, he's dead now. __**Sin Count: 37**__)_ so Joe Chief waited for the bzzt bzzt chhhhhrg and the shield got back. _(I don't have the proper words to describe this stupidity, so I'm just going to hit my head against my keyboard and let you try to sound that out fgrtvfv\dfgthyjungtfv\ASGFRTHYJU. There, that should do it. __**Sin Count: 40**__)_

"Nice try alien ship but now i have shield again ha ha ha!" Joe Chief yelled at ship _(Please continue to announce your position, it's easier to target you that way. __**Sin Count: 41**__)___then ship said "dont laugh at me ill show you!" _(Ships don't talk. __**Sin Count: 42**__)_ and punched another missil _(Missil punching. __**Sin Count: 43**__)_ at Joe Chief but then some human people droved to Joe Chief on a War Thog _(War Thog. __**Sin Count: 44**__)___and picked him up and drove away befor missil hit them _(That was either a really slow missile or a really fast jeep. __**Sin Count: 45**__)_. "Joe Chief a general befor said that the boss alien _(A Prophet? Maybe a Zealot? Brute Chieftain? What? __**Sin Count: 46**__)___is on the big ship we need to kill boss alien to make them go far back to Alien Town _(Alien Town. __**Sin Count: 47**__)_ okay?"a human guy with a cool helmut _(Ugh. __**Sin Count: 48**__)___said. "Okay lets kill all them!" _(Jut remember, this is the guy who last time said they should make peace with the aliens. But sure, let's just kill them all now. That's worth at least ten sins. __**Sin Count: 58**__) _Joe Chief said. "Wait you hear that?" _(Hear what? __**Sin Count: 59**__)___helmut human guy said. "Yes I dont know what is it" Joe Chief said. "It is me!" a big alien with spines on the back of it and a shield like Joe Chief said. "Oh now i kill you!" Joe Chief said. _(Just like I plan to kill all of you to make peace with you. __**Sin Count: 60**__) (Also, what kind of Covenant alien is this? All we know is that it has spikes and an energy shield. It sounds like a hunter, but hinters don't have energy shields.__** Sin Count: 61**__) (Also, what was this alien doing that warranted shooting it? Joe Chief is a racist. __**Sin Count: 62**__)_

The spines alien shot a needle gun at the War Thog _(War Thog again. __**Sin Count: 63**__) _and killt the human people _(How many people does he think can fit in a warthog? __**Sin Count: 64**__)___and the needles stuck in the helmut _(BOOM Headshot!) _of the human guy but then they stuck in his heart so he died anyways _(He should have been dead after the first shot, why waste another? __**Sin Count: 65**__)_. Joe Chief jumped from it and landed on his hands and then flipped even thow his space guy armor was heavy _(He's a Gary Stu, he can do whatever he wants. __**Sin Count: 66**__)_. "Spines alien we can fight with wepon like babies or fight with hands and feet like strong guys!" _(This line. __**Sin Count: 67**__)___Joe Chief said out loud to spines alien. "Joe Chief i am not a baby i will fight you with hands and feet" _(How does this guy know the idiot's name? __**Sin Count: 68**__) (Also, who would try to beat an alien covered in spikes to death? Even the Reds and Blues aren't that stupid! __**Sin Count: 69**__)___Spines alien says back _(Uh, no, you should definitely just gun him down now. __**Sin Count: 70**__)_. Joe Chief charjed at spines alien with his fist out ready for a big punch but the spies alien turned around and Joe Chief punched spines "OWW" _(Yeah, you just impales your hand on a spike, it'll be useless now. __**Sin Count: 71**__)___Joe Chief said but he broke the spines off so the spines alien said "OW" to _(Why would that hurt you? It's a piece of your armour! __**Sin Count: 72**__)_. Joe Chief looked at the big alien ship and saw that the doors was closing _(Wait, when did he get close enough to see that? __**Sin Count: 72**__)___and he was running out of time so Joe Chief said "now you die!" then with a lot of power from his whole body Joe Chief stepped back then swang _(Swang. __**Sin Count: 73**__)_ his arm really really really fast you couldnt see it becaus it was a blur then PLOW right on the spines alien face. The spines aliens face blew up _(Explosive punches. __**Sin Count: 74**__)___and brains and blood and guts went all over _(Why guts? You hit him in the face. __**Sin Count: 75**__)_. The doors were closed almost so Joe Chief ran fast and jumped to try to get under the door, but...

to be continued...? _(Normally a cliff-hanger ending like this would piss me off, but in this case I'll let them off with one sin and just assume the door closed and cut him in half. __**Sin Count: 76**__)_

_**The Rant:**_

Again, this is why we can't have nice things. I don't know how, but this was even worse than the first one. What more can I say about this colossal pile of elephant cankers? It's badly written, poorly worded and I'm sure if it were a movie it would be badly acted. It's one of those fics so bad that you are nver sure whether or not it's a trollfic.

_**STORY SIN TALLY: 76**_

_**SENTENCE...**_

_**Boom Boom Pow**_

_(Hell)_


	7. DOOM: Repercussions of Evil (Zivon)

_**EVERYTHING**_

_**WRONG**_

_**WITH:**_

DOOM: Repercussions of Evil

_**(In 1 page or less)**_

John Stalvern waited _(I already hate this story. __**Sin Count: 1**__)_. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air _(What does that even mean? __**Sin Count: 2**__)_. There were demons in the base _(Well that came right out of the blue. __**Sin Count: 3**__)_. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years _(Well then how did you know they were there? __**Sin Count: 4**__)_. His warnings to Cernel Joson _(Who or what is that? __**Sin Count: 5**__)_ were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway _(Sorry, what? __**Sin Count: 6**__)_.  
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."  
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS" _(How in the name of all that is holy did he know this? __**Sin Count: 7**__)_  
There was a time when he believed him _(What changed? Did you just stop believing psychic daddy? __**Sin Count: 8**__) (Also, John is a dick to dads. __**Sin Count: 9**__)_. Then as he got oldered _(Oldered. __**Sin Count: 10**__)_ he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons. _(Next time, listen to your psychic father. __**Sin Count: 11**__)_  
"This is Joson" the radio crackered _(That's racist. __**Sin Count: 12**__)_. "You must fight the demons!"  
So John gotted _(Gotted. __**Sin count: 13**__)_his palsma _(Palsma. __**Sin Count: 14**__)_ rifle and blew up the wall _(Either the shot is really powerful, or the wall really weak because one shot is all it takes to knock the thing down. __**Sin Count: 15**__)_.  
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons _(Demons do not talk. __**Sin Count: 16**__) (Also, there's one of him and probably hundreds of you, kill his ass first! __**Sin Count: 17**__)_  
"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon _(I don't care how cyber he is, demons still don't talk. __**Sin Count: 18**__)_and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed _(Plasmaed. __**Sin Count: 19**__)_at him and tried to blew _(Tried to blew. __**Sin Count: 20**__) _him up. But then the ceiling fell _(How? __**Sin Count:**__**21**__)_ and they were trapped and not able to kill. _(Uh, no, that would definitely kill them. __**Sin Count: 22**__)_  
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted _(They're all dead already! __**Sin Count: 23**__)_  
The radio said _(Who the f*ck is talking on it? __**Sin Count: 24**__)_"No, John. You are the demons" _(Plot twist out of nowhere. __**Sin Count: 25**__)_  
And then John was a zombie. _(I'm trying to find a sin here, I really am, but I think this might be the best line in the whole fic.)_

**The Rant:**

I give up. If it weren't for the fact that this is a known trollfic, I'd be more angry here. It's a poorly written mess, but it was written badly intentionally so talking about how bad it is would just be feeding the trolls.

_**STORY SIN TALLY: 25**_

_**SENTENCE...**_

_**HELL  
**__(You are the demons)_


	8. Half Life: Full Life Consequences (DAM)

**Hello folks, DAM here once again to tear a new one in some horrible stories. This time, I'm taking on the full quadrilogy of the worst grammatical catastrophe since the Gramocaust, the Half-Life: Full-Life Consequences series. All right here, unabridged and undivided. Here we go! (Since I'm not going to keep track of every error, I'm just playing it safe and giving an automatic 500 sins for poor grammar, misspelling, etc.)**

Full 3/4 ½

Expand TightenHalf-Life: Full-life Consequences**(Ridiculous title. Sin Count: 501.)**

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer.**(I would never have made that connection. Sin Count: 502.)** He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.**(How the hell does he have time to send an email when he's being attacked? Also, I'm pretty sure technology in the wasteland that is earth in the game wouldn't work nor would you have a normal office job. Sin Count: 504.)**

John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat.**(Why would you leave a motorcycle on a roof? Did he piss on the platform? Why is he stripping? What is going on?! Sin Count: 505.)** John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.** (OH, HE SAID THE NAME OF THE STORY…IN THE STORY! Go where, exactly, he didn't exactly say where he was. Sin Count: 506.)**

John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed.**(Now we've entered the realm of a mentally impaired Marty Stu we have not seen the likes of since Tara Gillesbie. Sin Count: 507.)** He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.**(Because, come on, nobody in this game other than Freeman, a few rebels, and a pastor has access to guns. Sin Count: 508.)**

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.**(Yes, these plants are Robert Plants, therefore, they can sing. Sin Count: 509.)**the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was.**(What mood, he's happy that his brother was under attack, he's in the middle of a goddamn apocalypse, and doesn't have a gun?! Sin Count: 510.)** John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".**(Your musings are as deep as the pool Christopher Reeve attempted to dive into. Too soon? Sin Count: 511.)**

John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast.**(How is he late? We don't know where your brother is, what time it is or what's even going on! Sin Count: 512.)** A cop car was hidennear by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket.**(You've got to be shitting me…Sin Count: 517.)** Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.**(That makes no sense! Zombies CAN'T ****DRIVE****! Sin Count: 522.)**

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcraboficer back to John Freeman.**(Because fuck the po-lice! OH, and you're a zombie.)**

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.** (Wait, when did you get a gun? Also, zombie or not, you shot an officer, that's a federal crime. Sin Count: 524. )**

John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was.**(Nothing about this sentence makes sense, vehicles have limits to how fast they travel, we don't know where Gordon is or how he's getting there. Sin Count: 525.)** John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.**(Great, Tara Gillesbie is vandalizing signs again. Also, you almost abandon your brother because of a loose suggestion, even when it could be a simple trick to hide loot, goods, etc. Sin Count: 527.)**

John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman.**(John Freeman like to talk in third person all the time. He is the new Hodor. How did he flip, did he hit a ramp, what?! Plus, you just wasted your only ride buddy. Sin Count: 530.)** John Freeman smiled and walked fast.**(Because running is far less dramatic than the power walk. Sin Count: 531.)** John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.**(Zombie what? If you are saying, "ghosts", you have no goddamn idea what you're talking about. If it's, "goats", you're even further away. Sin Count: 532.)**

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them couldn't they couldn't live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.** (This sentence is so wrong you, you all know what I'm going to pick apart at this rate. 15 sins. Sin Count: 547.)**

Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was.**(GAME TIME: Every time John walks fast, we double the sins! 2 sins now! Sin Count: 549.)**Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.**(Pants tend to be nonliving objects, this isn't news. Well, unless they're yoga pants… Sin Count: 550.)**

When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss**(How do you know it's the final boss, what does it look like? Sin Count: 551) **and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!"**(FALSE, Gordon doesn't talk! 10 Sins. Sin Count: 561.)**so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.** (Again, we know bullets are fast and getting shot in the eyes doesn't just blind you, it kills you. Right, bin Laden? Sin Count: 562.)**

Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. **(Yes, because a falcon punch is far more effective than bullets. Sin Count: 563.)**John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.**(Gordon Freeman is a SILENT PROTAGONIST! 10 more sins. Sin Count: 573.)**

The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.**(What's wrong, why is Gordon sacrificing himself for his idiotic, short-sighted brother? Sin Count: 574. Walked fast. Sin Count: 581.)**

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.**(That's it?! I thought you knocked him out! Mad and angry are synonyms, and how did you have time to get out when he was right IN THERE! Sin Count: 582.)**

"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

to be continued..?**(Implying there's more of this, 10 sins. Sin Count: 592.)**

Half-Life: Full-life Consequences 2: What Has Tobe Done**(A worse title. Sin Count: 583.)**

John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him.**(Your motorcycle is totaled and your similes suck. Sin Count: 594. Plus, walking fast again. Sin Count: 602.)** John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out.**(Gee, I wonder why? You only crashed it into living corpses and it may be leaking gas. Sin Count: 603.)** John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.** (John Freeman: Fast Walker, Gymnast, and a Total Dick to the Undead. Sin Count: 604.)**

"Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud.**(What the fuck was any of that supposed to mean? Sin Count: 605.)**

John Freeman picked up a laser gun and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.**(John Freeman: A Retard with a Laser Gun and A Complete Dick to Mother Nature. Sin Count: 606.)**

"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.**(Is he coming back to sacrifice them? Sin Count: 607.)**

John Freeman had to walked faster **(Sin Count: 623.) **and was back at his office work and on a computer. He looked on the internet and found the next boss.**(What does he have a Facebook? No, that's silly. It's 2004, he has Myspace. Sin Count: 624.)**

"I know his weakness now" John Freeman said.**(I'd argue no one is that retarded to put that much information online but, today's youth… Sin Count: 625.)** And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them.**(I only don't give a sin for unnecessary deviation because Morgan Freeman's voice is the only thing keeping me sane at this , dear Lord, don't let Morgan Freeman be the one who made a woman conceive this monstrosity.)**

"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!" then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.**(SOOOOOOOOO much wrong, where do I begin. Then again, I'm predictable so 25 sins. Sin Count: 650.)**

John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle.**(I'm pretty sure any office building, aside from Columbine HQ, doesn't allow this much heavy weaponry inside. Sin Count: 651.)** He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.**(Two words: Michael Bay. Sin Count: 652.)**

John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goastsi have killed your friends at the old house and idont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman."**(This seems stupid, but remember, this worked on the Native Americans, it can't be too stupid.)** The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. **(Maybe this story is a satirical look at the bloodshed European settlers put Natives through…or this is an illiterate moron. Sin Count: 653.)**John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.**(This is so bad it's terrible! Sin Count: 654. Also, walks fast. Sin Count: 686.)**

"you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them.** (MICHAEL BAY OVERKILL! Sin Count: 687.)**

John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. **(Really? You've found the being that killed your brother and your strategy is to slowly approach it? Sin Count: 688.) **He walked really slow like a turtle**(We get it, he's slower than your ability to think. Sin Count: 689.)**and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. **(What, there's two bosses? I wouldn't know because I haven't seen such terrible description since L4D: Blood Tide! Sin Count: 690.)**The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.**(Good thing you wasted one on a few zombies. Why didn't you make us aware of this earlier? I know, dramatic, suspenseful stuff, but this is too horrible to keep me waiting. Sin Count: 691.)**

The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.**(Because no enemy of mine should be caught with their dick out. Also, aren't these guys huge? Since one crushed your brother… Screw it, this lacks logic as is. Sin Count: 692.)**

John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman.

"You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman

Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."**(What!? His body is too damaged to be taken over! Screw this, 15 sins! Sin Count: 707.)**

to be continued...?**(Goddammit! Sin Count: 717.)**

Half-Life: Hero Beginning **(Can't even spell your own shitty title. Sin Count: 718.)**

In the future the world was dark and scarry.**(Yes folks, the future is as depressed and self-harming as I am when I read this. Sin Count: 719.)** One day Combines came and noone knew why. Combines were robot things that werent robots with ugly faces and sometimes glowing eyes and slaved people in the city and made them angry and sad.**(WHAT?! None of that made sense. They weren't anything like you just described? They were cheery, smiley androids with green eyes that played board games with the elderly and read children to sleep. Sin Count: 729.)**Henry Freeman who was living in the city and with his mom said "mom why are Combines here" and she said "Henry Freeman Combines are from science and outter space and hate humens."**(Two words about who wrote this dialogue: Tommy Wiseau. Sin Count: 730.)**

Henry Freeman realy hated Combines because they beat up every one and Henry Freeman hated it.**(The combines are Chris Brown and everyone they see is Rihanna. Sin Count: 731.)** "mom why are they beating up that girl!"**(Because the VMA's sucked!)** Henry Freeman said to his mom. "Because she is humen Henry Freeman, and they are evil Combines" Henry Freemans mom said back.

"Hey you Combines stop beating her up you evil guys!" Henry Freeman yelled loud at them.**(Because a child's plight will nip that spousal abuse right in the ass. Sin count: 732.)** "Shut up kid or you will pay!" the Combines said and aimed there lazer guns at Henry Freemans head.**(Why are they beating her when they have friggin' laser guns? Oh, wait, Chris Brown is a pussy, never mind. Sin Count: 733.)** "Combines dont aim your lazers!" yelled mom then the Combines shot her and laughed "Ha ha stupid humen girl with no head" they said with smiles.**(This went from a retarded mother to such poorly written taunts it makes me wonder if this world is just one giant kindergarten. Sin Count: 734.)**

Henry Freeman grabed his moms hand and said "mom you were beautiful soul and Combines will pay." "Henry Freeman no get out of here fast as you can..." Henry Freemans mom said and died.**(WHAT?! She got her head blown off! Why didn't Jackie Kennedy get this last bit of conversation with her husband?! Sin Count: 735.)** Then Henry Freeman grabbed a wepon and shot the Combines in the heart and said "this is not over."**(It kinda is, you killed them. Also, where'd you get a gun? Sin Count: 737.)**

The people around Henry Freeman cheerd and smiled and said "good job Henry Freeman we hate those Combines!" Combines made people fraid and when Henry Freeman killed them it gave them hop.**(That's right, folks, after years of foot firmly on the ground oppression, people can now leap with joy instead of twerk in happiness. Sin Count: 738.)**

"Combines we are not scarred no more!" said Henry Freeman and every one around Henry Freeman said "YEAH!" and grabbed lazer guns and rocks. Henry Freeman and the people walked fast like waves and went towards to the Combine tower that was big like the sky.**(I honestly lost interest in counting fast walk, just 50 sins. Plus, this is a worse revolution than the Slave Uprising in the South. Sin Count: 789.)**

"Where do you humenthink you are going?" a big Combine army with lots of striders said.

"To send you back to science and outter space!" Henry Freeman yelled with mad "ATTACK THE COMBINES!" Henry Freeman yelled again.**(Wait, back to science? Are you forcing them back into Mrs. Williams' room? Good, I hated the fat bitch anyway, didn't learn a damn thing about the periodic table. Sin Count: 790.)**

The war was going and blowing things up when Henry Freeman saw a gravity gun on the ground. "Combines it is time to do what has to be done and live up to my family name" Henry Freeman wispered with head down.**(What is with this family name bullshit? If my last name meant something, it means I hold burks, whatever the fuck that is. Sin Count: 791.)**

The Combines were shoting people and steping on them with stiders and people were shooting lazer guns back and killing them sometimes. Explosions like 10 times of the sun went around Henry Freeman but Henry Freeman didntcare.** (Because fuck physics, am I right? Sin Count: 792.)**

"Humen kind is losing and I need to help" Henry Freeman said.**(Is this everyone left alive?!)** Then a big rocket came down and blew a guys arm off and legs and head and killed other people too.v**(Because that random arbitrary guy dedicated so much more to the "plot" than anyone else. Sin Count: 793.)**

Henry Freeman saw the dead going on all around. The Combine were to strong and big but Henry Freeman didnt care neither. Henry Freeman put the gravity gun on and started to throw striders and at buildings. The bildings fell and made dust and smoke and blinded Combines so Henry Freeman culd use the gravity gun to throw them into the sky realy high and make them squish.**(Three words about who wrote this action sequence: Dennis the Menace. Sin Count: 794.)**

The people were wining but then glowing things went in the sky and Combines came out. "Henry Freeman we have to go out of here!" a guy said to Henry Freeman. "No they are all every where!" another guy said.

"You are suroundedprepair to die" the dark man said.**(That's racist. Sin Count: 795.)**

Henry Freeman lookd around. Combines with lazer guns were there. Henry Freeman knew if humens lost now it would be sad for ever.**(Correction, a four-year-old is now writing this action sequence. Sin Count: 796.)**

"FIGHT" Henry Freeman yelled.**(*2 seconds later* Combine win, flawless victory. FATALITY! Sin Count: 797.)**

People runned toward the Combines to kill them and the Combines were going to shoot all the people in a second when a brite light came in teh sky. A shiny thing like the Combines came from opend in the sky and a guy came out.**(No, bullshit, this man is not Jesus. If he is anything remotely like Jesus I'm becoming either Jewish or Muslim. Sin Count: 798.)**

"Combines leave my son alone" John Freeman said.

to be continued...?** (*Loosens noose* Er, it's almost over. Sin Count: 797.)**

Half-Life Full-life Consequences: Free Man**(Half-Life 3: 12 Years in Production Hell. Sin Count: 798.)**

John Freeman backfliped out of the sky and landed besides Henry Freeman. **(I'm sick of the flips, if I wanted to see an asshole flip I'd watch Fox News. Sin Count: 799.) **Henry Freeman looked at John Freeman in the eyes and cry falled out and said "Dad mom has dead". John Freeman went sad at the ground then moved head real fast up.**(Dad, mom is kill. Sin Count: 800.)**

"COMBINES YOU KILLD WIFE?" John Freeman said with growls.**(He just told you. Sin Count: 801.)**

"Yes John Freeman" the dark man said after "Henry Freemans mom is shot in head" the dark man said again.

"I loved wife like sun raise... DARK MAN YOU WILL SUFFAR!" John Freeman ponted and yelled.**(Haven't his people suffered enough!? Sin Count: 802.)**

John Freeman jumpd in to sky with kicks and hit dark man and the dark mans mask ript off and John Freeman seed ugly Combine face but it looked like humentooo.**(The grammar shit pot has hit the fan. Sin Count: 803.)**the dark man scrumbled back to Combines and Combines went to shoot John Freeman but Henry Freeman throwedgranaid for John Freeman to shot them in faces.**(Grenades do not shoot, they blow up! LIKE I'M ABOUT TO! Sin Count: 804.)**

"Son take people and leave the city its time I have to kill the enemys and make evil go away from here forrest of time!" John Freeman said to Henry Freeman and people.**(Run, Forrest, RUN! Also, nice metaphor, Pink Floyd. Sin Count: 805.)**

"John Freeman we fight!" people said and didnt go no where.

"Dad humens have to fight for freedome!" Henry Freeman said and didnt go no where neither.**(My intelligence is going no where but backwards. Sin Count: 806.)**

John Freeman was fraid for first time. He didnt want nothing to happen to Henry Freeman because Henry Freeman was John Freeman saw Combines start to run like monsters to humens and Henry Freeman and saw Henry Freeman and humens run like brave to Combines.**(I could not interpret a fucking thing from that bloody shit stain of a sentence, 20 sins! Sin Count: 826.)** John Freeman got quiet then dropped wepon and said "I have to kill fast and bullets too slow" and started killing Combines with bear hands.**(Physics is getting fucked harder than Sasha Grey right now. Where did the combine come from, too? Sin Count: 827.)**

John Freeman was killing Combines and barking necks**(Woof, woof, motherfucker!)** and humens and Henry Freeman was behind shooting at Combines at front. Now Combines got scarred and ranned back to the dark man who was at the door to the big tower that was big onto the sun and went around the dark man and got redy to fight again. **(What the…Where the fuck are they? None of this makes sense! Sin Count: 837.) **then the dark man pressed the button that made the big tower glow and smoke.

"John Freeman you let next boss step on me and made me headcrab zombie. Combines came and put science in me and made me live and strong and big now I make you and Henry Freeman headcrab zombie. Prepair to die" Gordon Freeman said.**(This is a desperate character who has survived rape. He had "science" inside him, which includes mass, velocity, and density, and he has crabs. Sin Count: 838.)**

"Gordon Freeman you are my bro and I killed next boss. Combines science is bad and made you tricked bro stop the button and glowing." John Freeman said.**(He's a zombie, nothing can fix it! The combines didn't do this, the fucking crab did! Sin Count: 839.)**

"NO!" Gordon Freeman angered back.

Gordon Freeman teleportaled to John Freeman and hit him with crow bar and John Freeman tried to grabe it but couldnt so he punched Gordon Freeman instead. John Freeman and Gordon Freeman was fighting for life and death when the Combines and humens started shoting each other again. Henry Freeman got in front of humens and saw the tower smoke and glow more and more like litning clouds.**(This is absolutely horrid. Sin Count: 849.)**

Henry Freeman shout "It will explod!" so Henry Freeman and the people shot bullets and bombs at Combines so humen kind could press the botton and make it stop. Then Henry Freeman went to a Combines car and shoot all the Combines in it and went to the top and used the torret gun. Henry Freeman made the torret gun shoot Combines and bullets cut them in two and half.** (No words…no jokes…nothing can make this funny. Sin Count: 859.)**

Henry Freeman kept shooting Combines and the rest of humens got closer and closer to button to stop it. The Combines shot at the humens and made some die but no one caredbecaus they had to do it. **(Yeah, fuck those people who had families and jobs! Sin Count: 860.)**Then Combines started coming out of the hug tower to stop the humens.**(My God, John! The care bears have entered the war! Sin Count: 861.)** There was too much Combines and humenscouldnt go to the button no more and the tower was all smoke and glow now expect for a little bit.**(What tower?! None of this makes sense, was this even in Half-Life 1 or 2? Sin Count: 862.)**

John Freeman knew it was too late and humenscouldnt stop button. John Freeman had barley time but was still fighting Gordon Freeman.

"Bro it is time Im sorry" John Freeman said to Gordon Freeman.

"time for you to die John Freeman!" Gordon Freeman said back.

"No bro" John Freeman said then kicked Gordon Freeman in teh part of the face that was like Combines.**(In the part of the face that was like Combines… Sin Count: 863.)**

The science flew off Gordon Freemans face and landed and blowed up in a boom and Gordon Freeman stood and fall.**(What…WHAT? WHAT?! Sin Count: 888.)** "Bro.." Gordon Freeman said so John Freeman got closer to the ground like Gordon Freeman.

"Combines made me tricked bro Im sorry" Gordon Freeman said.**(You…were…a…fucking…zombie! THIS ISN'T LOGICAL! Sin Count: 898.)**

"I know bro but you are hero" John Freeman said back to comfart Gordon.

"Save humens and Henry Freeman" Gordon Freeman said quiet like pain and breathed slower and slower**(I never thought I'd say this, but the end of that shitty 1998 Godzilla movie made me sadder than this. Sin Count: 899.)**

John Freeman had Gordon Freeman and saw eyes shut and the breath stoped but Gordon Freeman had smiles on face.

John Freeman let go Gordon Freeman and went up back on his feet and loked his head around and saw trees and aminals and humens then looked at glowy tower and knew what has to be done. "Son and people get back!" John Freeman said out real loud so Henry Freeman frontflipped off torret and went with people back to John Freeman and ducked bullets and rackets.**(Fuck this, I've given up on roasting this shit. Sin Count: 900.)**

"Son take people on motorcycle and leave city. Make people safe son and nothing happen to them." John Freeman said to Henry Freeman.**(How big is this motorcycle? Is it an arc?! Because, from the sounds of it, the entire population of Earth is fighting! Sin Count: 901.)**

"But dad I fight!" Henry Freeman said.  
"No son go with people" John Freeman said so Henry Freeman and humens went on motorcycle.

Henry Freeman started on motorcycl and started to go but slowbecaus he didnt want to. the Combines saw and said "STOP THE HUMENS!" and went charge at motorcycle.**(Another thing, how can this kid drive a motorcycle?! Sin Count: 902.)**

John Freeman walked to wards Combines and made fists with hands. John Freeman punchd and hit Combines in front but all Combines in back shot rockets and masheen guns. a Rocket hit John Freeman but he got up and killed more Combines then a Combine went at John Freemans back and stabed him but John Freeman got nife out and stabbed Combine in brane.**(How? One rocket kills dozens but you brush it off. Marty Stu alert! Sin Count: 903.)** Combines got close and hit John Freeman body with bullets but John Freeman kicked Combines back.**(Is this 50 Cent Freeman? He can take a bullet or thousands! Hell, if they outnumber humanity, he's been shot millions, maybe billions of times! Sin Count: 904.)**

John Freeman kept fighting Combines and put head up to tower and saw it go brite and break then turned around in last second and saw motorcycle in far off safe place and was happy. Henry Freeman and the people in the motorcycle saw the tower go like millon stars and fire and loud noises then the people went down but Henry Freeman kept going and didnt say nothing.**(What…what…what the fuck just happened? Sin Count: 924.)**

After the world was nice and humens had new city and happy because the Combines was gone and nobody was slave or sad. President Henry Freeman and people and animals and earth had peace and in the middle of new city was a statue that said "John Freeman Saver of Humens"**(This is the worst ending…ever. To the worst story series…ever. Sin Count: 925.)**

THE END

**The Rant:**

**What…the…fuck? This was torture, this story broke the Geneva Convention. This was absolutely, without a doubt, the single worst thing I've ever read. It's not even funny bad, it's just awe-inspiring, shockingly bad. Where do I begin? The grammar seems a good start. It is so bad! I know, the guy's first language isn't English, I get it. But for fuck's sake, you live in Canada, it shouldn't be too hard to learn it. Plus, you wrote several stories…in English! You chose to type them…in English. You uploaded them and entered them under the parameter of English. Therefore, you should have a first-hand knowledge of the language before you can speak it, right Tara Gillesbie? Every two words is misspelled, there are run-ons upon run-ons, and your grammar is so bad I that things like description suffer. That's what's next, your description. The action scenes had potential, they could have made this far more enjoyable. But your description was horrible and your similes and metaphors were terrible and bumbling. For God's sake, the plot seemed to move at a lightning pace, nothing was timed right and every major event seemed out of order. I couldn't follow the final fight, my imagination was on overdrive as is. Then we get to the plot, Jesus! It starts as a man working at a lab, who somehow can smuggle as many goddamn firearms and motorcycles as he wants into this place, and goes on with him slaying behemoths of little detail and oppressive other-world beings. Then we get a cut to his son and wife, who gets killed and sparks the boy becoming a folk hero for no apparent reason other than he did what anyone could have. That's where a huge hole lies, in times of oppression, everyone is too scared to do shit. Sure, some may be doing something, but the public at large just takes it. I don't think you have to think long to come up with ideas of oppressive periods in history where this rings true. Finally, your characterization and John Freeman himself. John is the 2****nd**** most blatant, arrogant Mary Stu/ Gary Stu I've ever seen. He drives cool motorcycles, survives against all odds until his heroic sacrifice, fires a lot of guns, and becomes worshipped by everyone and his much more subtle and awesome brother's superior. This is so blatant it makes me sick. Sure, I have characters based off myself and friends, but they are not this God-like being of horse shit before us. This…thing is nothing more than a poorly concocted, last-minute main character that steals the show and everyone away from good writing. For God's sake, this thing has G-mod videos lined up and people continue to worship crap like this. Meanwhile, Scarecrow and Harbinger bust their asses to come up with good characters and better plots, but it will never be enough to compete with a good ol' Shitfic. Sincerely, I hope this person never writes again. Whether it be fanfiction, email, Facebook posts, or even a letter, I hope this person never again harms us with his written work.**

**Total Sin Count:**** 925**

**Sentence: ****Make him walk real fast, like so fast you can't see his legs move like he's floating. Then torch him with a concoction of battery acid, lye, fire, every conceivable acid, salt, and lemon juice. (Yes, I'm furious.)**

**Next Time: ****If Zivon decides not to fuck up the schedule, he and I will be starting an 11 part series. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you:**

**Fanficsins Reviews: **_**My Immortal**_


	9. My Immortal Part 1 (Zivon)

_**EVERYTHING**_

_**WRONG**_

_**WITH**_

My Immortal (Part 1)

_**(In a whole lot of pages)**_

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz _(Well, there goes any hope for this story. __**Sin Count: 1**__)___(get it, coz Im goffik _(Well, if you don't get it now, she'll tell you about how both she and her characters are all "goffik," and that's all the character they need. This brings us to our first mini game: double the sins for every time someone mentions being goth. That's 1 for now, but that'll change soon. __**Sin Count: 2**__)_) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) _(And she'll be calling other people homophobic later on. __**Sin Count: 3**__) _raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling _(Great job there, Raven. __**Sin Count: 4**__)_. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life _(My condolences Justin, if you exist that is. __**Sin Count: 5**__)___u rok 2! MCR ROX! _(Why is this here? __**Sin Count: 6**__)_

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way _(This name has several sins in it. First of all, the length. First, middle and last name is enough, when you have five parts to your name, that's too much. __**Sin Count: 7. **__Second, the random apostrophe in 'Dark'ness,' that just adds a whole new layer of Sueness to the name. __**Sin Count: 8.**__ Third, her name should really have just been 'Mary Sue.' __**Sin Count: 9**__) _and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name _(Unlikely. __**Sin Count: 10**__)_) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) _(Maybe adding a comma here and there would do you some good. It certainly wouldn't kill you to use a few. __**Sin Count: 11**__) (Also, the whole Amy Lee thing really limits your audience even more than it was before, I mean you're already limited to anyone who can decipher what you're saying, but now you're just throwing people out for no good reason. __**Sin Count: 12**__)_. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie _(Incestuous fantasy. __**Sin Count: 13**__)_. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white _(Then you're not really a vampire, you're just a random chick with a blood fetish. __**Sin Count: 14**__)_. I have pale white skin _(Shouldn't that be with the rest of your physical description? __**Sin Count: 15**__)_. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England _(Scotland. __**Sin Count: 16**__)_ where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen _(You don't say... __**Sin Count: 17**__)_). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) _(Well, I can tell you WANT to be a goth. And with that, it's time to start our mini game__** Sin Count: 19**__) _and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there _(Well, this taste in clothing seems like areally important character trait, you should bring it up once per chapter. __**Sin Count: 20**__) (This also brings us to our second mini game: one sin for every piece of makeup or an outfit mentioned.)_. For example today I was wearing a black corset _(Outfit. __**Sin Count: 21**__)___with matching lace around it _**(22)**_ and a black leather miniskirt _**(23)**_, pink fishnets _**(24) **_and black combat boots _**(25) **__(Also, story makes me hate combat boots. __**Sin Count: 26**__)_. I was wearing black lipstick _(Makeup. __**Sin Count: 27**__)_, white foundation _**(28)**_, black eyeliner _**(29) **_and red eye shadow _**(30)**_. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about _(I hate to become David from Harry Potter Turns to the Lord, but God is clearly angry at this story. __**Sin Count: 31**__)_. A lot of preps stared at me _(Probably because you're the only person dressed as ridiculously as you are instead of wearing the sensible Hogwarts uniform robes. __**Sin Count: 32**__) (Also, here's another mini game, double sins for every time someone mentions preps This is one __**Sin Count: 33**__)_. I put up my middle finger at them. _(Rude. __**Sin Count: 34**__)_

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! _(Yeah, he's a student here, why do we need the ellipses? __**Sin Count: 35**__)_

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. _(Draco Malfoy is not shy. Ever. __**Sin Count: 36**__)_

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. _(You have friends? __**Sin Count: 37**__) (Also, terrible way to end your first chapter. __**Sin Count: 38**__)_

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! _(Well, since you asked, no, it's not good. It's pretty bad, really. __**Sin Count: 39**__)_

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! _(Great job there, Raven. __**Sin Count: 40**__)_ BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! _(Preps. __**Sin Count: 42**__)_

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom _(I'd normally question where else you would wake up, given what we'll soon learn about Ebony she's probably used to waking up in other people's beds. __**Sin Count: 43**__)_. It was snowing and raining again _(God's still pissed. __**Sin Count: 44**__)_. I opened the door of my coffin _(You never mentioned you had one of those before. __**Sin Count: 45**__)_ and drank some blood from a bottle I had _(I'd warn that it might have gone bad from sitting un-refrigerated for so long, but if she dies from this I can leave sooner. __**Sin Count: 46**__)_. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends _(Now I could have counted this as an outfit since it's really unnecessary to have such a fancy coffin, but instead I'll just remind you now that she owns pink belongings, remember that now. __**Sin Count: 47**__)_. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt _(Time for another mini game already? Well, alright, double sins for any random items with band images on them. Start with one here. __**Sin Count: 48**__)___which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress _(Outfit. __**Sin Count: 49**__)_, a pentagram necklace _**(50)**_, combat boots and black fishnets on _**(51)**_. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears _**(52)**_, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. _(Close enough. __**Sin Count: 53**__)_

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) _(Subtle there, Tara. __**Sin Count: 54**__)_ woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt _(Outfit and band merch, that's three sins this time __**Sin Count: 57**__)_ with a black mini _**(58)**_, fishnets _**(59) **_and pointy high-heeled boots _**(60)**_. We put on our makeup (black lipstick _(Makeup. __**Sin Count: 61**__)___white foundation _**(62)**_ and black eyeliner _**(63)**_.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. _(Well he is in your school. And your year. And your house. __**Sin Count: 64**__)_

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. _(Yes you do. This is the only time you'll ever even try to deny that. __**Sin Count: 65**__) (Also, was the cussing really necessary? __**Sin Count: 66**__)_

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _(Told you so. __**Sin Count: 67**__)_

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. _(Another masterful ending that makes me wish I had a pillow. __**Sin Count: 68**__)_

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ _(Preps. __**Sin Count: 72**__) _OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik _(Goths. __**Sin Count: 76**__)___ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN _(Great job there, Raven. __**Sin Count: 77**__)_! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. _(You don't say. __**Sin Count: 78**__)_

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On the night of the concert _(I'll assume you decided to go with Draco, someone who you don't like at all. __**Sin Count: 79) **_I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels _(Outfit. __**Sin Count: 80**__)_. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets _**(81)**_. Then I put on a black leather minidress _**(82) **_with all this corset stuff on the back and front _**(83)**_. I put on matching fishnet on my arms _**(84)**_. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky _(Makeup. __**Sin Count: 85**__)_. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists _(What!? Where the f*ck did that come from? That's a serious issue plaguing several people around the planet, and you're just brushing it over! That's five sins right there. __**Sin Count: 90**__)_. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black _(More makeup. __**Sin Count: 91**__)_ and put on TONS of black eyeliner _(Well if it's that much eyeliner, how about an extra sin? __**Sin Count: 93**__)_. Then I put on some black lipstick _**(94)**_. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway _(But as we see later on, you put on foundation regardless. __**Sin Count: 95**__)_. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. _(Remember kids, if you haven't had any blood to drink, you're not ready to leave yet. __**Sin Count: 96**__)_

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt _(Outfit and band merch, that's five sins this time. __**Sin Count: 101**__) _(they would play at the show too_(But we'll never see them. __**Sin Count: 102**__)_), baggy black skater pants _**(103)**_, black nail polish _(Makeup. __**Sin Count: 104**__)_ and a little eyeliner _**(105)**_ (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! _(Uh, no. __**Sin Count: 106**__)_).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. _(Huh, you didn't seem depressed by the tone of your writing. __**Sin Count:107**__) (Also, why would you be depressed? The guy you like is taking you to see your second favourite band! You should be as happy as emo goth wannabes get! __**Sin Count: 108**__)_

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 _(The DMV lets you have your Satan license but rejects my HUNGL0W vanity plates? __**Sin Count: 109**__)_) and flew to the place with the concert _(A description would be nice. __**Sin Count: 110**__)_. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs _(You probably don't even know what kinds of drugs you smoke, do you? For all you know you could have been smoking drywall! __**Sin Count: 111**__)_. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte _(Who in the right mind moshes to Good Charlotte? __**Sin Count: 112**__) (Also, that is the least metal description of moshing ever. __**Sin Count: 113**__)_.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). _(Really? I never would have guessed. __**Sin Count: 114**__)_

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. _(Oh, so now it's a club? With all the description you gave us it could have been an amphitheatre for all we know. __**Sin Count: 115**__)_

Suddenly Draco looked sad. _(A sad guy in a mosh pit gets trampled easily, so Draco is long gone by now. __**Sin Count: 116**__) (Also, while he might get angsty or angry, Draco Malfoy does not get sad. __**Sin Count: 117**__)_

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. _(She's not actually that ugly, certainly not ugly enough to warrant disgust. __**Sin Count: 118**__)_

The night went on really well, and I had a great time _(Really, tell me more about that. Oh wait, you won't. __**Sin Count: 119**__)_. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer _(You're underage, so you definitely didn't get that beer from any legal source. __**Sin Count: 120**__)_ and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them _(If you were drunk enough to have to crawl back to your car later, you probably got pictures with two hobos you thought were Benji and Joel. __**Sin Count: 121**__)_. We got GC concert tees _(Band merch. __**Sin Count: 129**__)_. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into _(Well, if you're that drunk, he's definitely driving his car into a collision. Just saying, don't drive drunk. __**Sin Count: 130**__) _… the Forbidden Forest!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY _(Yeah, you'll call Enoby by her real name you flamers! I mean come on, how hard is it to spell Ebony? __**Sin Count: 131**__) _nut mary su _(But that name makes so much more sense! __**Sin Count: 132**__)___OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! _(If they knew each other before, that's something you can mention before. In the story preferably, maybe with a bit of detail. __**Sin Count: 133**__)_

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. _(This scene is very rapey, and if I didn't know this Draco was a pussy I would expect that of him. __**Sin Count: 134**__)_ I walked out of it too, curiously. _(I hate to quote republican politicians, but now you're asking for it. __**Sin Count: 135**__) (Also, Draco should be terrified of this place, why would he ever think it was a good idea to bring a girl here? Why would anyone? __**Sin Count: 136**__)_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked. _(Just remember guys, if you really want to seduce a girl, just say their name in a questioning fashion. __**Sin Count: 137**__)_

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic _(Gothic. __**Sin Count: 145**__)___red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. _(If I knew red contacts could get women in bed with me, I would have started wearing them a long time ago. Then again, maybe it's just wannabe goth skanks, in which case I'll pass. __**Sin Count: 146**__)_

And then… suddenly just as I _(Just as you what? __**Sin Count: 147**__)___Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me _(Up until this point, this seems very rapey. __**Sin Count: 148**__)___and we started to make out keenly _(How do you make out "keenly?" __**Sin Count: 149**__)___against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes _(I love how when dressing up, every detail of a character's clothing is important, whereas when they're getting undressed it all comes off in a heap of black cloth. __**Sin Count: 150**__)_. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. _(You know, you've dropped two f-bombs in this chapter alone, not to mention all the other ones you've dropped in the rest of the story, are the words 'penis' 'vagina' and 'sex' or any alternatives to those really so taboo to you Tara? How about a sin for each of those? __**Sin Count: 153**__)_

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed _(All the enthusiasm and passion of a grocery list. __**Sin Count: 154**__)_. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! _(There's nothing wrong with this scene. THIS is gold.)_


	10. MY Immortal Part 2 (DAM)

**I dedicate the rest of my contributions to Fanficsins, as well as the entirety of DayZ and Radical Historical Exploits, to Joan Rivers, a comedy legend whose rage and outrageous, unapologetic comments have deeply influenced my sense of humor.**

**Everything**

**Wrong**

**With:**

**My Immortal: Part II: The Slitting**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! **(Stop writing. Sin Count: 156.)**if u flam it menz ur a prep **(Prep. Sin Count: 164) **or a posr!**(This isn't a text conversation you over-reactive cunt. Sin Count: 165.)**a only resonDumbledeorswor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**(That's completely logical reasoning. Headaches have been known to stop sex nights, but not presidential assassinations. Sin Count: 166.)** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**(Please, God, Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Flying Spaghetti Monster, don't let more of this come!)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**(Yes, the two of you are an overrated R&B artist. Sin Count: 167.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**(New game, double the sin for her menstrual cycle striking her tear ducts! Sin Count: 168.)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**(How are they angry? I know Snape is a pissed off emo dude, but who's this bitch? Do they have rage telekinesis?! Sin Count: 169.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**(That's what I call the…forbidden dance. YEAH!)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**(Yes, your sexual prowess is completely lackluster. Now, Malfoy and girl, let me demonstrate with Professor Snape proper intercourse techniques. (Monty Python reference.) Sin Count: 170.)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**(Yes, that was completely...inappropriate? I don't know, I'm ambiguous to underage sex in a fucking Forbidden Forest! Sin Count: 171.)**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**(Yes, a one night stand filled with booze and drugs has cleared his mind to help him realize he is in love with what, to a sober mind, looks like a beached sperm whale doused in bird shit. Sin Count: 172.)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**(Yes, forgive them and give them even more unsupervised alone time. Sin Count: 173.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**(Why are you letting them just go with eachother?! Even in the slut house that is college the sluts and studs are separated in separate houses! Sin Count: 174.)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….**(Why are you wearing heels, you're going to bed? Plus, in Joan River's honor, I will roast her clothing choice. There's enough much lace in her dresses to get David Carradine off. Sin Count: 175.)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.**(No, stay dead. Sin Count: 176.)** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**(Wow, once again the plot is so vague but the clothing is as vivid as green shit on a wedding dress. Sin Count: 177.)**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz **(Preps. Sin Count: 193) **ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me gooodrevows!**(Wat? You just said you wouldn't update unless you got good reviews. Why do you continue? Ten sins for being a liar. Sin Count: 203.)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(It lives, unfortunately. Sin Count: 204.)**I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black.**(God, more clothing descriptions. Seriously, have you no shame? You're clothes are so black and useless they've banged the Kardashian sisters. Sin Count: 205.)** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.**(Keep this in mind as she become more of a fervent "Satanist".)** I spray-painted my hair with purple.**(Yes, because I want to look like that grape with a fungal infection. Speaking of Tara's snatch…Sin Count: 206.)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(…You've got to be fucking kidding me. Seriously, this is a joke, right? 20 sins. Sin Count: 226.) **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**(You now know how Jackie Kennedy felt on that fateful car ride. Fun Fact: Jackie's dress was white when she bought it! Sin Count: 227.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic **(Gothic. Sin Count: 243) **boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(Here we go. Sin Count: 244.)**He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**(Wow, way to ruin the grand reveal. Couldn't you wait to describe him afterward? Sin Count: 229.)** He had a manly stubble on his chin.**(How is it manly? How can you see it? He has makeup over it? Sin Count: 245.)** He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.**(The disowned, disinherited bastard nephew of John Madden. Sin Count: 246.)** He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**(Yes, I'm the sicko. You insinuate that this guy gets your whisker biscuit wet but God forbid I connect the dots and say you have boner, that's just gross. Sin Count: 247.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**(We already know, and so do you. Sin Count: 248.)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**(You've got to be fucking kidding me. This goth shit is getting old. Also, why did he grumble, did he just have a bipolar flop? Introducing yourself is not a moment to hush up and talk under your breath. Sin Count: 250.)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**(Harry has a blood fetish, too… Sin Count: 251.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**(No, you have a blood fetish. Something tells me she makes tea with her used tampons. Sin Count: 252.)**

"Really?" he whimpered.**(Why is he whimpering?! He drinks blood as a legit…God forgive me…poser, and shits himself upon meeting a real "vampire'! Harry is not only a demented OOC character, but a complete pussy. Sin Count: 253.)**

"Yeah." I roared.**(I can do this all day. Where's the exclamation point? What warranted you to unleash your raptard screech? Sin Count: 254.)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**(New game! Every time she says, "…so we, I went. Sin Count: 255.)**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life**(Quoting shitty emo songs. Sin Count: 256.)**

AN: wel ok u guyzim only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**(God didn't even leave good reviews, he told her to stop or he'd give her all of the plagues. Sin Count: 257.)**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!**(Okay, a tin god? Now you're just getting sacrilegious and crazy. Sin Count: 258.)** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(Good look reporting the thousands of trolls who will make this story even funnier.)**Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(New name. Sin Count: 259. Also, take it easy, it is hard being a Satanist. 8****th**** grade is really tough.)**n she has problemzshes depressed 4 godz sake!**(Stop right there! In the wake of so many suicides and problems linked to depression. Your character does not have depression whatsoever. She is a spoiled, rich, over-privileged inbred orangutan. Sin Count: 260.)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doezdat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).**(Yes, you make her seem glamorous in every way and perfect while claiming she isn't. 20 sins for faulty logic and bullshit. Sin Count: 280.)** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.**(Just like me as I read this. Sin Count: 281.)** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…**(New GAME! For unneeded ellipses, we double the sin! Sin Count: 282.)**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(How is making out without passion? Seriously, is his tongue wriggling that dull the only thing that gets you excited is getting right to the hot and sweaty? Five sins for absolute sluthood. Sin Count: 287.)**He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.**(Yes, she wears a bar. It's the only thing about her that remains hard. Even Draco goes soft at some point or another. Sin Count: 288.)** We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**(Your sex scenes are boner repellent. Seriously, I got softer reading this. Yes, this is incredibly stupid. The way you describe sex is like watching a 4 year old explain how food becomes poop. Sin Count: 290.)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(No, women, unfortunately, don't climax this quickly. This author clearly knows nothing but just the most basic of sexual education. I mean, for God's sake, my uncle had the courtesy to teach me what a rim job was when I was 8. Sin Count: 291.)**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!**(Unneeded ellipses. Sin Count: 293.)**

I was so angry.**(Why? He's boning you, who cares if he…Oh God, I grasp the concept ahead of me. This is a yaoi/yuri story. 25 sins. Sin Count: 318.)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**(You see he was with the guy you are probably having sexual fantasies about, why not go with it? Have a threesome! Sin Count: 319.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**(Okay, hold up. You seem a pretty strong advocate for incest, drug use, Satanism, and later say you're cool with gays. Why would you say this?! This is so insensitive and offensive, I have a gay friend who happened to contract HIV and is very careful about it. Knowing you, you horse-banging dumpster-whore, you probably have every conceivable disease known to man, monkey, and dolphin, including fin rot. 25 sins. Sin Count: 344)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **(Again, you cuss and spout off baseless accusations that offend even me, but you can't say penis, phallus, dick, cock, disco stick, glue gun, one-eyed snake, or pocket rocket? Sin Count: 345.)**I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.**(Close, he's fucking your boyfriend and, unlike you, he can actually get your boyfriend off. Sin Count: 346.)**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!**(Let's see: Going to college, doing well in life, work and school, enjoy life, do assignments and study, have future planned out and be responsible…Yep, I'm a prep! Sin Count: 347.) (Also, Prep. Sin Count: 379)**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**(He shows he wants to be with you even though he will be mocked for the rest of his Hogwarts career. Yep, totally believable, since he could easily have dressed first. Sin Count: 380.)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.**(You've got to be fucking kidding me. Is the apostrophe necessary? 20 sins for every shitty goth name. Sin Count: 400.)** She flipped her long waste-length gothic **(Gothic. Sin Count: 432) **black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.**(Why is she modelling in the middle of class? How can she see with her eyes closed? What is with this fixation you have on colored contacts? A sin for each. Sin Count: 433.)** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(Fuck, strap in kids, we're going on a retarded field trip on clothing.) **Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**(Are you serious?! That's Hermione!? Sin Count: 434.)** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.**(No, fuck this backstory. Too short, too poorly crafted, too lazy. You have the dumbest of fixations on the pseudo-Satanism and vampires, both things you know absolutely nothing about aside from Twilight and The Vampire Diaries you retard. Plus, you obsess on suicide, so do it already. Finally, as we progress, you'll see how this suicide attempt would be in vain. 30 sins. Sin Count: 464.)** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(She shouldn't, from your point of view, Satanists and vampires only care about two things, retarded Gothic stereotypes and our Mary Sue. Sin Count: 465.)**It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.**(Nothing says badass vampire last name like Smith. Sin Count: 466.)** (Since she has converted to Satanism she is inSlytherin now not Griffindoor.)**(New game! Every time we get someone whose parent's were either Satanic, vampires, witches, and they were kidnapped, converted to Satanism and Slytherin, 50 sins and take a shot. Legally, I will not admit to drinking. Sin Count: 516.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**(Because calling you what you are but in a polite way is putting you down. Sin Count: 517.)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.**(Another game! Anytime anyone gasps: take 2 shots. If it is preceded by ellipses, take a shit. Both result in 20 sins. Sin Count: 537.)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart**(Where did the change of perspective come from? Sin Count: 538.)**. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.**(Who is doing great at Hogwarts while our protagonists slowly slide to failing. Sin Count: 539.) (Also, more preps. Sin Count: 603)** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**(Yes, unexplained reasons of becoming a Goth, at least 2 sins. Sin Count: 604.) (Also, gothic. Sin Count: 668) (Just for you Tara, we skipped over your favorite number.)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **(Switches perspective again without warning. Sin Count: 669.)**I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**(Yes, he made it so I could no longer get pregnant. He insisted on using the chainsaw. I would give a sin, but this thing can't breed now.)**


End file.
